Friday, December 16, 2011

Christmas Shopping for a Crossdresser

I'll admit to a dual purpose to this video. First I just thought it would be fun just to toss out some Christmas shopping ideas. Since the ideas are what to buy for a crossdresser you might know well enough to Christmas shop for I honestly don't know how many people this applies to, but I had fun with it anyways. I'll also admit it's a shameless plug for my wishlist , what can I say? I love stuff.

One thing I did forget to mention in the video is jewelry. If you're buying necklaces or bracelets be sure to get larger sizes, and clip on earings are always a good fallback because nice looking ones are annoying to try and find.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #10: Heels

There are few things that top off the feminine touches quite like a pair of cute high heels. However before you dive headfirst into the world of stilleto shoes and sore feet there are some things to know and keep in mind. As always I hope folks find this helpful.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Introducing the Wishlist

I'd apologize again for the lack of updates but I'm trusting that by now folks are either accepting that parenthood has cut into my time or they aren't so I'm not going to apologize for it anymore.  I still have hopes and plans for some new photos and videos in the not too distant future, but I'm hesitant to put any kind of timeline on it.

Though to be honest it hasn't just been a lack of time that is repsonsible for my failure to shoot some new stuff.  Part of it has been a lack of motivation. Don't misunderstand, I'm not losing my passion for dressing but rather I've gone through most of my outfits and pretty much everything I think would be good for a shoot has been used. I'm loath to repeat myself so it's hard to find the motivation to climb back into an outfit I've already used if I don't have a fresh spin on it.

Going into the closet and coming up empty, photo by my wife Laura

An obvious solution is a new wardrobe. Since I'm not yet in a position to start expanding my wardrobe I thought it would be fun to give my fans a chance to contribute. I've created a publicly accessible Amazon wishlist. On it I've selected 100 items in a wide range of theme and price. Everything from heels to full costumes to temporary tattoos, anything that I think would be fun to do a shoot in. For those unfamiliar with how a wishlist works, you can purchase items from it and have them sent to me directly through Amazon.

So here's the deal, I pledge that any items purchased will be featured in a new set of pictures. Nothing will simply sit idle in my closet. I'll also gladly take requests from those who purchase items on how to feature them in photos (assuming the requests are not of an overtly pornographic nature, because that's just not happening.) If anybody has additional suggestions they can send them to and I may add them to the wishlist.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #9: Eye Shadow

Don't worry all, I won't abandon you.  My time has become more limited but I plan to still get these out as frequently as I'm able to.  This one will wrap up all things related to the eyes.  Hope it helps!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween

Well let me say up front that I didn't have the time to do a Halloween photo-shoot this year.  Between the new baby and the fact that I was coming up on empty on a costumer idea it just didn't happen.  Sorry folks.

That said this was the first Halloween in the house so it was quite an exciting experience already.  We really have struck out as far as trick or treaters go in previous years.  First we were at an apartment complex near Boston, which frankly had too many empty apartments and not enough kids.  Then we were in New York and not only were they not many kids but what few there were acted like total brats with their disinterested parents on their cell phones.  Depressing.

Not this year though, not only are there plenty of kids in our town but we also happen to live in a really prime location.  We're viewable from one of the main roads, which was thus also one of the primary trick or treating routes.  Kids of all ages came up, some on their own and some supervised and it was just a fun experience.  We sat out on the porch with the baby and the dog, the latter of whom we put in a balerina hippo costume much to her dismay.

Neither my wife nor myself were in any kind of costume, she didn't really have anything and coming from work I didn't really have the time or energy.  The kids costumes were all over the place, from the instantly identifiable to the "what the heck" randomness of kids with just colored face paint and matching clothes.  I'm happy to say there wasn't an overflow of hookerish clothes on the young girls... though it was unnerving when it did happen. 

Of course the dresser in me couldn't help but smile at the occassional gender bending costume.  One of the first I saw was a young boy in a pink tutu.  I'm sure it was a joke but it made me smile anyways.  There were also more than a few girls who had mustaches, most were being the Devil though there was a girl being a boy pirate as well.  Just a reminder that even at a young age Halloween is practically the crossdresser's national holiday.  Hope you're was fun!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #8: Corsets, Padding & Hips

I told you there was more coming!  I keep my promises.  We talked curves before, but last time it was the bust.  This time it all about hips.  Vital stuff and there's a few different approaches so I try to cover all the bases.  Hope it helps!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I'm going to keep this short and sweet, because frankly I'm tired.  My daughter was born this past week.  I'm happy to report that both she and my wife are home and healthy.  However it should be obvious to anybody who's ever had a kid that my time is going to rather limited for things like dressing up and doing this blog.  I don't want to abandon it and will do my best but updates will likely become much more sporadic and spaced out.

There will be more tips for crossdressers videos on the way because I had the foresight to pre-record a number of them at once to be uploaded later.  However once I run through my back catalogue I don't know when I'll have time to make more.  I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  In the meantime I hope everybody is well and just know that I'm still around... just very very very busy.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #7: Wigs & Hair

Back again!  Wigs are such a wild card, they can completely make or break a look and they're also one of the hardest thing to give general tips about.  However I'm damn well going to try!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Early Dressing Memories: Nail Polish

Every now and then I find myself reminiscing about the earlier days of my dressing.  As I think I've mentioned before (or maybe not, I'm too lazy to look through old entries right now) High School was a bit of a dry spell for me.  I experimented with dressing in grade school but when my mother got married I suddenly found myself with step-siblings when I'd been an only child before.  So privacy went out the window and dressing went with it.

I do remember an incident in high school though with nail polish.  All four years of high school I sang in the school chorus and also got into the district chorus every year as well.  My freshmen year during some of the downtime at districts one of the senior males from my school was painting his finger nails, out of boredom I suspect.  There were enough colors to go around that a number of the other boys ended up doing the same.  I painted my nails for the first time, doing my left hand in a dark green.

I left it there for a while, something about the colors made it almost seem like somebody else's hand.  I found that I would instinctively hold my hand differently than I was before and it kind of intrigued me.  I wouldn't go so far as to say that it re-opened dressing for me but nail painting was almost a lifeline to dressing during the high school years.  My school had a dress code so I couldn't wear it most of the time.  But every now and then on long weekends or for Halloween I would do my nails.  More often I would do my toe nails, knowing they'd be covered and unseen.

I was just thinking about this because I did my nails for the first time in months this weekend, only to have to take it off for work today.  It was rewarding yet frustrating all at once... so it goes.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Thoughts on Lady Gaga at the VMAs & a Shout Out to Drag Kings

Because I'm lame and don't stay up very late anymore (unless I'm writing) I didn't watch the VMAs when they aired. However on the advice of my wife I did catch a video of Lady Gaga's performance number which she did in drag. As with many things she does it seems to have had a divided reaction. I'm too lazy to do the research and find out if the general opinion was positive or negative. However I will say that watching the footage the reaction from those in the audience at the VMAs seemed to be one mostly of confusion. It was sort of odd to me only because the sort of act she did was completely old hat to me. Guess that's what happens when you hang out with drag kings.

Old School Switch N Play.

From left to right: Peter Bigs, Manny Mango, Syditious, Chaz del Diablo, Pepe Pan and Maximum Satisfaction down on the floor.

I had very little knowledge of drag kings before I moved to NYC. I never really came across them during my time in Boston. That all changed thanks to the members of Switch N Play and a little bi-monthly even they hosted called "Open Drag." These Brooklyn based kings performed all around the city but also were sure to give a venue to their friends and even those who had never performed before. The first time I performed at "Open Drag" I was the only queen there. Yet oddly that was not in anyway intimidating. Maybe it's because I just find myself more at ease around women in general but I never felt like the odd one out.

There is a very different metality between drag queens and drag kings, not all that different from the difference between drag queens and burlesque which I've talked about before. I think it's very telling that drag queens are always solo acts (maybe with a subserviant stage-hand) whereas the vast majority of drag kings are in troupes. There's a sense of community and comradery to drag kings rather than the sense of competition that you get with drag queens. If I were to guess I would say it might have to do with woman trying to be men and reaching out for that kind of brotherly attachment they see. In contrast most drag queens gravitate towards the diva persona, and all the drama that comes with it.

Current Switch N Play line up.

From left to right: K. James, Jack Kelly, Maximum Satisfaction, Manny Mango, Jonathan Bitchman and Bianca Dagga.

I was amazed, and frankly am still flattered to this day by the fact that Switch N Play invited me to become a member of the group. They never had a queen member before, but again that gives you an idea of the kind of openness that exists in the drag king community. Even the kings who take on personas of slobs or posturing douche-bags are still sweet-hearts backstage. Nothing against all the talented drag queens out there but if given a choice I opt to hang out with the kings everytime. Also, and I'm less clear on the reason for this, drag kings seem to get what I do a little bit better than drag queens. I get looks sometimes from queens like I'm screwing up their art because I don't do it their way. Perhaps it's because there is much less of a fixed image of what a drag king should be that makes them more open to interpretations of other performance types as well. Or maybe I was just really meant to be born a lesbian, who knows?

I encourage any and all to check out more about Switch N Play on their website, flickr photostream, and YouTube page. Gaga did it well enough, but watch the professionals do their thing!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #6: Eye Lashes

I'm back with more! There's always something else to offer advice on, and this time it's eye lashes. Any performer who has ever shared a dressing room with me can tell you about my love/hate relationship with false lashes. And now you can learn all about it too! Hope folks find this helpful.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Child's Play

Well I said that I wasn't sure if I would bring up my daughter again on this blog (who's arrival date is fast approaching) but this struck me as something worth sharing. I had mentioned previously that I have no intention of hiding my dressing from my daughter. The last thing I want to do is inadvertantly teach her that you must hide what you are. However the issue was how to introduce all of this to her in a way that would go smoothly.

The concern has never been about her but about other kids and other people in general. Because little kids love to talk and love to share, which means that inevitably she would tell some friend or teacher or somebody else that her daddy dresses like a girl. And that's where the problems would arise, because it would open her up to be picked on and judged for something that I do. It's not fair but it is a reality, if there's something different about a child the other kids will make her miserable for it. So we want to minimize the chances of that while still being open and honest with her. We don't want to have her know but keep it a secret. First off that's unrealistic and secondly it's instilling a sense of shame or that there's something wrong with our family.

The solution we have struck upon is to treat it as a game, and one that the whole family takes part in. This will work very well for me since I don't live my day to day life in dress, it is rather something that I do for myself on occasion. So on those occasions it will be "dress up time" for the whole family. My wife will dress up in some outfit or costume and our daughter will get to dress up however she wants and play. Doubtless there will even be times when I dress in some outfit that is not drag. This makes it so rather than "daddy wears a dress at home" it becomes "we play dress up together."

A glimpse into my own childhood dress up time with the neighbor's kids.

Doubtless as she grows older there will eventually be questions about why I dress as a woman but at least by them (hopefully) she won't feel that there's something wrong with that. Off to the baby shower soon. Wanted to share this plan just in case there is anybody else out there who might benefit from the idea.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #5: Eyeliner

I know it's been a while since I got one of these up, but there was Pride and other stuff that was taking up my time. But I haven't abandoned those of you who find these useful. We're getting back to make-up and focusing on the eyes. Talking eyeliner this time. Shadow and lashes will be addressed later.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Early Feminine Influences

I've talked a little bit about influences before but that was in relation to performance not in terms of my dressing in general. As I've said before there wasn't any sudden revelation about wanting to dress as a woman, however there is a moment I can pin-point where I took notice of femininity in a way I hadn't before. Many dressers can name a movie or tv show or singer who sparked somthing in them. Well I have a movie moment that in hindsight did have an impact on me, though I'm not sure I realized much about it at the time.

The film is "Who Framed Roger Rabbit," and the moment is the introduction of Jessica Rabbit. Anybody who's seen the film no doubt knows exactly what I'm talking about. But to be sure we're on the same page here's the scene:

Now this movie came out before I'd hit puberty so the sexual overtones of the scene were somewhat lost on me for a few years. However there are things about Jessica that did strike me even at the time. The character is obviously an exaggeration in terms of a woman's body, namely the size of the bust and those insane hips. However there's one thing that keeps this moment from being exploitive, and that is fact that she holds all the power. From the instant she steps out from behind that curtain she not only has everybody's attention but she is completely dominating the room. The men may hoot and hollar but there's never any question that she is in control of everything going on, she can lure and man in and then cut him down with just a glance. Seeing the power of femininity in that moment is something that has stuck with me... plus I'll admit that I tried to emulate that hip swivel at an young age just trying to figure out the logistics of it (somewhat to my mother's dismay at the time.)
It's funny the moments that make up how I've chosen to express myself as a woman. They're things that I have to really think about to uncover, but now looking back I can see and appreciated how much these moments shaped the woman I try to be. I would never say that moment suddenly made me want to dress as a woman, but when I started to develope that part of myself moments like this did influence my perceptions and choices. You never know what's going to shape you until years later. Funny how that plays out.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

VT Pride Video Diary

Well this was a first for me, but I took a shot at recording video of not only my own performance numbers but also VT Pride in general. This is my first attempt at one of these videos but I'm rather happy with. I think it also gives you the feel of what it was like at VT pride much better than me writing about it could do. So enjoy:

I may put up isolated video of my full performance numbers if there's interest. Otherwise I think this works as a highlight reel.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Time for Pride Again!

I'm not really sure why I had thought I'd get back down to NYC every few months to see friends and do a show. I think it was just the little lie I told myself to make leaving the city a little easier, since friends and performing were the only things I was going to miss. I've come to terms with the fact that isn't really in the cards, and I'll be lucky to get down there once a year. The point being that my excitement at being able to perform in VT Pride is extremely high.

Image taken from a video my wife Laura took from last year's Pride.

Details for the Pride Festival are here but the short version is that performances start at 1pm at Battery Park in Burlington. Yes it's suppused to be blazing hot but it's right by the lake so there might be a nice breeze coming off the water... god I hope so. I'll be doing two numbers, one of my old favorites and also a brand new one. Hope to see anybody in the area come out for the fun!

Sunday, July 10, 2011


I'm going to warn people up front, this one is going to get ranty. Prostitution is a bit of an odd topic for me to tackle as it's not something I've ever engaged in, nor do I ever plan to. However I've known enough people who have and seen enough news stories about transgendered prostitutes being abused or killed that I've formed some pretty strong opinions all the same. I'll get to the punchline first: legalize it already!

The image of the prostitute is poor, drug addicted abuse victims and I'm aware that does happen. However not all those who engage in the practice do so out of desperation or are forced into it. I've known more than a few who are prostitutes completely by choice because at the end of the day they enjoy it. I'm not trying to belittle those who are abused and forced because I understand that does happen. But part of the reason that happens is because it's illegal. Most of the terrible things about being a prostitute (drugs, rape, etc) either happen because it's an illegal act or are at least made worse by that fact. The reason prostitutes are such easy targets for those who abuse them is that they can't go to the police without incriminating themselves as prostitutes. This means that they won't report if they are beated or raped and their abusers know this.

Despite appearances I'm not working the street corner. Photo by Banafsheh Ehtemam.

In addition to that issue there's simply no logical reason why it is illegal. It is the perfect embodiment of a victimless crime. Some may say that the prostitutes themselves are the victims, but as stated that's a situation caused by and made worse by its illegality. What logical sense does it make for a person to be legally forbidden to do something for money that they can do for free with no reprocussions. Sex is perfectly legal, only the money changing hands makes it a crime. Yet there's nothing illegal about the act in question itself, how does that make sense?

It makes even less sense if you take porn into account. Think about it: if a man meets a woman (or dresser, transwoman, what have you,) takes her back to his place, has sex with her and gives her money for it then it's a crime. But if that same man takes that same woman back to his place, gives her money to have sex, video tapes it, gets her to sign a release and then sells that video it's just business. How does the involvement of a camera and additional commerce suddenly take the curse off it? Again it just makes no sense.

So come folks, can we get off our outdated moral high horse and just legalize it already? Regulate it, liscence it (clean bill of health being the main prequisite,) prosicute those who don't get a liscence, then tax the heck out of it. It's called "the world's oldest profession" for a reason and it's not going away. If somebody of their own free will wants to use their own body and god given talents to make a living who are we to tell them no?

Ok, rant's over. Move along now.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Born This Way?

I know that "born this way" has become a bit of a buzz term for those of us who are a bit... unusual in the gender or sexuality department. We can thank the blog of the same name and Lady Gaga for that. I honestly don't know how I feel about the notion overall, because on a personal level I don't like that idea that I have no say in what kind of person I am. That said I do believe that sexuality is not a choice, and I can't deny that the desire for me to dress does seem to be ingrained in me to some degree. With that in mind I thought I'd share these images with you.

I was probably four or five when these pictures were taken. At the time our neighbors had young girls who were slightly older than me, so thanks to them for providing the hat, tank top and tutu. I don't have particularly clear memories of this, but I do remember playing with the girls and dressing up in general. It's just the tutu doesn't ring an immediate bell.

I guess I have to admit that even if I wasn't born this way I sure as hell got off to an early start.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Tips for Beginning Crossdressers #4: Shopping

I'm pretty sure I've discussed this top before in the blog but now you can listen to me ramble live! As a bonus I've finally figured out a way to get the video and audio to sync up properly so hopefully that'll be the norm from here on out. Enjoy!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Reminiscing on New York

Every now and then I find that people get very puzzled about the fact that I moved from New York City to a rinky dink little two in Vermont. They don't understand why I'd leave a city like that at all, and given my dressing and performance ambitions it would seem to make even less sense. No to be blunt most of the reasons my wife and I left the city were completely seperate from my dressing but I'm going to focus on the city experience from that viewpoint, after all that's what this blog is about.

Me at one of the many Trans Nights to be found in the city.

One of the worst things about New York in general is also one of the best things about it from the perspective of being a dresser: nobody gives a crap about anybody else. The downside to this is that it renders the vast majority of New Yorkers apathetic assholes. All they see you as is an obsticle in their way, if they see you at all. I've always said the city is great but the people there suck. The flip side to this is that it makes going out dressed in public much more feasible because as noted: nobody gives a crap. It's taking advantage of one of the annoyances of the city, people just don't give a damn if somebody is walking down the street in drag. That said it's not a total free reign, like any large city there are some areas safer than others, but as a rule people just don't give a damn.
And of course the other benefit of a big city is that one is more likely to find those who are like-minded, simply by virtue of there being more people around. I have mentioned how most of the people in New York suck, and I stand by that. But the people I met who didn't were incredible, few they were. And of course there were far more gatherings of dressers and drag queens than can be found in more rural areas. Where I am know there's Pride... a drag ball... and that's about it, so roughly two gatherings of note per year.
As mentioned the reasons for leaving New York weren't dressing related. The big one was financial. One of the big problems with New York is that it's so expensive to live there that you probably can't afford to do many of the great things the city has to offer. After four years Laura and I had felt we'd gotten everything we were going to get out of living in the city and it was time to move on. We're very happy where we are, and while I may miss certain things about NYC, those moments are fleeting. I would encourage anyone who feels inclined to visit, or even move there for a few years. But don't stay too long, or you'll never get out.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #3: Curves Part 1

Ok it's time for some more tips. This time we're going to stray away from make-up tips and go for some body shape advice. Hope that people find this helpful. This was the most fun to make so far.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Feeling Sexy

Let's be honest, a big part of why I dress is that it makes me feel sexy as all hell. No I should be clear on this before there's any confusion. I explained before in a blog last year that dressing for me is not a sexual act. Something being sexual and feeling sexy is not the same thing. Most of us feel sexy after a good haircut, but that doesn't mean we get off on the sound of clippers. So realize I'm not talking sexual act, just feeling sexy.

Photo by my wife Laura

I don't know if this is the case for other dressers, but for me at least it's actually much easier to feel sexy as a woman than as a man. I think that has quite a bit to do with the fact that it's much easier for me to act sexy as a woman. As a basically heterosexual man I have a much clearer idea in my mind of what women do that I find sexy, which makes it easier to build from that knowledge. Trying to be sexy as a guy is... difficult. In fact to be honest there doesn't seem to be any real technique to being a sexy guy, it feels like you either have it or you don't. Most guys who try to act sexy end up looking goofy or like douche bags... or both.

Women (and therefore anybody dressed as one) have a whole bag of tricks ranging from certain walks and flips of the hair to breathy whispers and tight clothing. There's a whole spectrum of sex appeal for women to use, and unless they come off as awkward or unconfident when they do any of these things they almost always work. Guys... not so much. Aside from massive muscles (which doesn't do it for everybody anyways) the common theme with "sexy" guys seems to be that it comes effortlessly. That is down right impossible to mimic if you don't just have it.

So while I don't think I'm an awkward male I rarely feel like a sexy one because it's never been clear what I could do to be sexy. As a woman though I know what things I can do, and granted they can be over the top at times but it just makes me feel sexy. That's a wonderful feeling and it's one I get much more easily in dress.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #2: Lipstick

Well I might actually live up to a promise for once and keep these coming semi-regularly. This was a second take. I had wanted to get this up last week but the first time recording I really didn't like how it turned out. Much happier with this one. That said I didn't realize until I rewatched it for the second or third time how loud Tiki and Lula (the family parakeets) were squawking in the background on a few parts. Oh well. As before this is not a detailed tutorial or a how-to, it's just some general tips I think some might find helpful.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Returning to Pride... Let the Panic Set In

I'm happy to announce that I've been booked to perform at this year's VT Pride in Burlington on 7/23. I was privelaged enough to be able to perform two numbers at last year's pride and have been hoping I'd get to go back and do it all over again. I don't know yet if I'll get to do one or two numbers, but I want to do at least one brand new piece... and that's where I'm running into trouble.

When I found out that I was booked for the show I thought coming up with a new piece would be easy: I just had to pick one of the pieces I'd been thinking about but never got around to doing when I was in NYC. The problem is that these dormant ideas fall into one of four categories. The first are numbers that simply aren't appropriate to the venue. This is a public show in a park and needs to be kept to PG-13, so any overly risque numbers are out. Then there's pieces that would be too elaborate for what I want to accomplish (requiring too many props or a set, etc.) Next are numbers that I really want to do as multi-person pieces, things I wish I'd been able to do with Switch N Play before I moved. Finally there's numbers that require costumes that I don't own and can't afford to buy in the time I have.

Relaxing before my first number at last year's Pride. Photo by Laura.

This last category is the most frustrating. There's a bridal number I've thought about doing for a while, but I don't have any part of the outfit. I don't even own white heels. While I wouldn't go out and buy an actual wedding dress, even putting together semblance of one requires many items and those costs add up.

I'm probably going to have to try to find a new song or two work with also, as all the songs I've been going over keep giving me ideas that fall into one of the previously mentioned categories. I'm sure I'll come up with something. I've got over two months, and I'm already excited!

The only sad note is that since she'll be neck deep into directing a play Laura won't be able to join me this year. Having her there was a big part of the fun last time. She hasn't gotten to see me perform as much as I would like and she took some great pictures and video last time. It won't be quite the same without her.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Arrrrrrgh Matey!

It's been quite a while since I did art modeling. I actually haven't done it since I posed for Betty Spaghetti's School of Art and Debauchery and that was long enough ago that I'm having a hard time remembering what year it was. So getting to pose at the White River Junction, VT branch of Dr. Sketchy's was a wonderful night for me. The theme was "Pirates of the Connecticut" inspired by the upcoming release of the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" film.

I got to pose with a gentleman by the name of Ben Tolosa who was all done up like the one and only Captain Jack Sparrow. I wasn't meant to be anybody in particular but that gave me a little more freedom in my costume. It's almost embarassing that I happened to have the bandana, cutlass and replica vintage pistol just laying around the house. I'm a geek, what else can I say?

All of these are by the same artist, Barb Stender. I'm hoping to get to see some of the other sketches done that night and there will be pictures later. Those may not go up here but you can keep an eye on my flickr page. I want to thank Miss Phoebe for hosting a great night. I hope to get to go back and do it again. If I was a bit closer I'd probably be going even on the nights I wasn't posing. If anybody is in the area or even in a comutable distance I recommend checking it out on future nights.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Meet My Daughter

Yes it's true, my wife and I are having a baby. It's something we've been trying to make work for a while so we're extremely excited. We found out the gender on Sunday. There's a decent chance that this may be one of the only times I put up photos of her in this blog. I try to keep my daily life and drag life fairly seperate, it just makes things easier for me that way. I have no intention of hiding this side of myself from my child. However until she's old enough to say to me "I don't mind if you talk about me in your drag blog" then I would consider it a violation of her privacy to do so. Sure I've put up pictures of myself and my wife here, but she's given me permission to do so, a baby can't do that.

However I still wanted to share this bit of excitement with everybody. I may bring up any ins and outs of being a dresser with a child as I see fit, we're still figuring out how to handle the whole notion. As I said it's not something I'd want to hide from her because I don't feel it's something to be ashamed of and she shouldn't think that either. But as with so many things, it's not her I'm worried about, it's everybody else. How do you explain to a child that it's perfectly ok that daddy plays dress up likea girl but that it's better that she not tell her friends? Well I don't have the answer to that, so we'll have to figure it out as we go along.

Oh and while I'm not ready to share the name we've chosen here... I will say this: it means "great queen." Go figure right?

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #1

I've been thinking about doing this for a while. When I first started dressing myself I didn't have a great deal of guidance or help. I had to learn what I now know mostly through trial and error. I eventually got a handle on things and now I get questions from others who are starting out and looking for some advice. Now I'm not an expert in make-up or fashion, but I just wanted to share what's worked for me in the hope that it will help some of you out there. So with that in mind this first entry covers foundation. I'll try to have this be a bi-weekly thing.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Haikus of a Drag Queen

I don't know why but I was struck by a poetic muse today so I thought I'd share a few haikus I composed.

Fumbling tense fingers

Can't create special beauty

False eyelashes suck

Slave to the rhythm

Hips grind against a stranger

Just another night

You hoot and holler

If you want me to see you

Stuff cash in my bra

Hope you enjoyed. Maybe I'll make this a regular feature of the blog.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

General Update and Future Modeling

Ugh... I'm neglecting the hell out of this thing. BAD VERA! Part of the problem is that there are some specific things I want to talk about but I'm lacking certain visuals I want to pair with them (specific pictures, video, etc.) And of course there's also the fact that I'm a world class procrastinator... but I'm sure that's not a big part of the problem. Nah, couldn't be.

Well another thing is a lack of notable vents for the most part. Work has become a bit of a routine, not a bad one but certainly not an exciting one. We're still working bit by bit on the house. Finally got some curtains and we just picked up a filter for the pond in the back yard. With any luck we might have a few water flowers and some fish in there before too long.

Last time I modeled for Betty Spaghetti's School of Art and Debauchery

I'm about a month away from my first modeling work in... damn... over a year. That's a sobering thought. I have GOT to find more to do around here. Anyways it'll be art modeling which I haven't done in a very long time and I've only ever done in drag twice before. Still I'm very excited about it. Since the session is in May and that marks the release of the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie... you guessed it, I'll be posing as a pirate wench! This'll be new for me and definitely tons of fun. There should be pictures and naturally pieces of art that result from this so I'll be sure to share them when that rolls around.

Guess that's about it. I'll try to have the next entry not take so long.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Work is a Bitch

Well just yesterday I do a blog entry expressing my concerns relating to my job, and today fate decided to fuck with me. I'd call it irony, but as an English major I know this isn't all actually ironic, just a big cruel coincidence. Anyways, for those who didn't read yesterday's blog I basically whined about how I feel like I have to be more careful at my job than I have in any of my past employments. That feeling made me feel more closeted than I have in the past and basically it kind of sucks. But as of yesterday it really was just a feeling, now it's a reality.

I had the misfortune to overhear my boss use the term "queer" to describe something she didn't like. In the big scheme of things I know this sounds extremely minor but honestly when I heard that my heart sank into my stomach and stayed there the entire day. The fact that she was talking to my co-worker conversationally but felt the need to more or less whisper that particular word served as confirmation to me that she really did mean it in the manner I never wanted to hear. Trust me I'd love to explain it away, I know that "queer" can just mean weird, and if she'd just said the word in the same tone of voice as the rest of her conversation I might be able to tell myself that was the case here. But her whipsering it meant that she knew she shouldn't be saying it, which means to me that she meant in the way that she knows isn't really ok for her to mean it. It was devistatingly revealling about the character of my boss. It's not even really about the word, it's about what it says about my boss (and the person she said it to if not most of the office.)

While I don't flaunt my dressing or drag performance I've never had to go out of the way to hide who I was, until this. It's really bizarre how one little word can suddenly change the entire vibe of the office for me. I'm well aware that I'd be within my rights to talk to HR about this and say that I was felt uncomfortable, but I doubt I'll do that. I'm not mad at my boss, I'm not out for revenge or want to see her disciplined by Human Resources. I'm saddened and depressed by what this revealed about the person I directly answer to, and I'm now stuck with that for as long as I work there whether I report it not. No amount of formal complaints will restore the comfort level I had before.

So where does this leave me? About a foot deeper in a closet that I never was in before. That's what's most frustrating about all of this, it's a massive step backwards for me. Actually it's more than that, it's not like it's falling back to a level I'd moved past: I NEVER had to deal with this before. I had been fortunate enough to basically skip over all this crap and reach a level of acceptance early on, and now that all feels completely gone. I'm hoping that a good night's sleep and enough time past without hearing anything else like that will help me regain some level of comfort. But until then I'm not looking forward to going to work anymore. Because of one stupid little word. God damn it.

No picture today, just too damned messed up over this.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

One Foot in the Closet Part 2

The last time that I talked about feeling more closeted than I used to it was in relation to living in a small town. Now I'm sad to report that another area of my life is feeling somewhat clamped down on, and that's my job. To put this in some form of context I was never completely out and open at my job in New York. I never came into work in drag nor did I talk about it brazenly with anybody in the office. However some of my co-workers who I considered friends were aware (some even came to see me perform) and that made it feel like I was never hiding anything. That's not the case anymore. There's a few things I think contributing to this closeted feeling as far as my job goes. Again I'm not one to flaunt, because while I have no shame about who I am I also feel that it doesn't define me nor is it really anybody's business. However regardless of whether or not I choose to tell anybody I hate the feeling that I can't. Feeling like the choice just isn't there anymore is what's getting me down at this point.

Photo by my wife Laura.

For the first time I find myself working at a company that actually makes something. So while I work in the office it's attached to the warehouse and the production line. These places are home to much more blue collar type workers than I'm used to being around. I hate to generalize and make it seem like "these people could never get me" but speaking bluntly it's far less likely that they would. It's also more likely that somebody out of the lot would be angered by somebody like me. Even in the office the co-workers in my immediate proximity are a bit more... rural than I'm used to at this point. The kind of folks who say "git-r-done" seriously. Nothing wrong with any of them, and I'm enjoying working there for the most part but it's definitely out of my personal comfort zone at this point. I didn't have this issue at my last job, because even though I never came out to anybody there I had the comfort of the fact that there was a very obviously and very openly gay employee. Just knowing he was there was a relief and kind of took the pressure off my mind. I don't have that cushion now and it gets me down sometimes. I don't expect to be able to prance around my job in a dress. I don't even really want to tell these people. I get along well enough with everybody but they're not the kinds of people I'd become friends with outside of work therefore not the kind of people I'd let into this part of my life. But for the first time I feel like I actually have to truly hide it and keep a lid on it. In New York a fair number of people know, at my last job they didn't but if they found out it wouldn't be a big deal. The idea of people at my current job finding out actually scares me, and that's a new feeling. One that I'm not enjoying. I'm sure some of you will think "Then get a new job." Except that setting this issue aside I like my job, I like the work and the people are pleasant. Besides where I'm living and in the economy we've got going I'm fortunate to have found work at all, so I'm not about to look that gift horse in the mouth. Just wish it's a gift horse I didn't fear was going to throw me off.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Maintenance (aka Shaving)

For many dressers there's a fairly basic question in regards to how far do they take their commitment to dressing. It really comes down to one thing: to shave or not to shave? Obviously I'm not just talking about the face here. For many dressers who are in the closet it's something they choose not to do for fear of discovery. While this is a genuine concern I think in many ways it's a fear that is a bit overblown for many dressers. I've known more than a few who were convinced that if they ever shaved their legs that everybody would know they cross dressed. In all honesty though I think it's only a concern if it's something you're keeping from a person you're intimate with. Because the general public either isn't going to see your legs at all or even if they do is unlikely to jump to that conclusion. With the popularity of "man-scaping" and the fact that people who are seriously into swimming will body shave it's doubtful that people will spot a many with shaved legs (say at the beach) and think "that guy wears dresses!"

For myself I had started shaving regularly a little bit before I started to go out in public in dress. I had dabbled in shaving while in college but hadn't kept up with it. For myself I know that I'm quite lucky in this department. While my legs and armpits need regular attention I actually have very little body hair to speak of anywhere else. The hair on my arms is not dark and I have almost no chest hair to speak of. There is always the question of whether or not to shave the more private areas and personally I opt not to do that, though basic trimming is something I'd recommend whether you're a crossdresser or not.

Earlier on I used to have a separate lady's razor that I used for my legs. However I've learned more recently that there really is very little difference between a men's face razor and a lady's leg razor (dispite what TV comercials would have you believe.) So now I just use the one razor and it saves me always having to buy two sets of blades, because frankly that stuff isn't cheap. I've also learned that you don't really need any of those shaving creams for women either. I'll grant they help in the early days because it makes it easier to see what's been finished and all that. But once I got the hang of it I found that soap worked just as well (I use Dove so it doesn't dry my legs out the way other brands of soap might do.)

On a random note the thing that I found most surprising about shaving my legs was how cold they got. Part of it was that I first started in winter but seriously you'll be amazed how much warmth that little layer of hair actually gives you, because you definitely notice it once it's gone! I guess that about covers my thoughts on this topic, so until next time.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Fictional Diversion No. 1

Well, for lack of anything else to put in here I thought I'd try something a little different. In addition to all my other interest I fancy myself a writer, and not just the bloggy kind either. I like to think I can writer fiction. This is a piece I did a few years back that seemed worth putting up here. Don't expect this to become a regular fixture of the blog but hey you never know right?

Girl Meets Girl

The joint was passed around again, dwindling quickly amidst the mix of smoke and laughter. Cindy passed it on to Faye who had to brush her red hair from her face before taking it. Cindy was too far gone at this point to care if anybody noticed that she was staring at the redheaded girl’s lips as Faye took a puff and passed it to her left. Faye had been brought to the party by one of the guys from the suite across the hall. They had exchanged pleasantries earlier in the evening and Cindy kept finding her eyes drawn to Faye’s lips. Ever so slightly plump with a wonderful defined shape, they curled in such a perfect when she smiled. Cindy wasn’t usually one to fixate on mouths but something about Faye’s lips called out to her.

It took a nudge from the boy to her right to make Cindy realize that the joint had made its way around the room again and was back to her. A few people across the circle laughed but Cindy couldn’t be sure if it was at her or at absolutely nothing. She did her best to shrug it off, took another hit and passed it to Faye. Faye smiled that radiant smile as she took a lingering hit that seemed to happen, at least to Cindy’s eye, in slow motion.

The joint made only made it around the room one more time before being rendered completely useless, but by then the desired effect had taken hold of everyone. Conversations continued, though somewhat more meandering than before. Cindy though kept her eyes on Faye, who was doubled over in laughter at something the boy on the other side of her had said. Cindy kept wanting to say something to Faye, in fact she was pretty sure that she even opened her mouth to speak a few times. But she couldn’t seem to form completely coherent thoughts much less words. Cindy’s mind had enough on its plate reminding her to not leave her mouth hanging open and she continued to stare at the fair skinned girl who was little more than a foot away from her.

As time passed, one by one the various occupants of the smoke room started to disperse. They would stand somewhat awkwardly and wander off in search of further entertainment and distraction elsewhere in the house. Cindy knew that if she didn’t engage Faye in conversation soon she’d lose her to the mindless chatter of the goings on outside of the room.

“Faye...” Cindy heard the name come out of her mouth and she tried to swallow the words back. She wasn’t ready yet, but it was too late. Faye turned to her with an expectant look on her face.

“I… um… how do you know Rob?” Cindy almost cringed as the words escaped her mouth. She’d been reduced to small talk. She might as well give up now. But what happened next surprised her, Faye smiled.

“Well I met him through a friend before he transferred here.”

And so it began, the nearly meaningless small talk. Cindy was delighted to have caught Faye’s attention of was silently cursing herself for having gotten them stuck in such a flighty conversation. But even as Faye continued to talk Cindy was quick to notice that the last of the other occupants had now left the room.

Finally alone together, Cindy leaned in and planted a kiss on Faye’s soft lips, cutting her off in mid-sentence. Faye was surprised at first but quickly let herself fall into the kiss. Cindy parted her lips and she felt Faye do the same. She let the sensation of Faye’s tongue against hers excite and sooth her mind all at once. Cindy had let her hand rest on Faye’s knee and now started to slide that hand upwards.

Faye pulled away from the kiss. “Wait,” she protested but in one smooth motion Cindy’s hand slid up under her skirt and along her bare thigh, reaching Faye’s crotch.

Cindy’s hand stopped dead and she pulled it away quickly, as if she’d just received an electric shock. “Oh… oh my,” was all she could manage to say.

Faye’s face went flush and she clumsily smoothed out the skirt, doing anything not to look at Cindy’s face. “I’m so sorry. I… I should have said something before… but we just seemed to be getting along so well… I just… I’m sorry.”

“No it’s ok… I mean I was just… caught off guard I guess.” Cindy tucked a bit of her hair behind her ear, avoiding Faye’s eyes just as actively as Faye had been avoiding hers.

There was a pause that felt nearly interminable before Faye finally lifted her head up to look at Cindy again. The previously bold brunette now seemed shy and embarrassed, looking down into her own lap.

“Look I can go,” Faye started to look around for where she had set her purse. Cindy’s hand shot up and went to Faye’s shoulder, keeping her from standing up.

“No it’s alright… I just… I just need a few minutes, if that’s ok… I need to sort of… collect myself.”

There were several more minutes of the two of them just sitting on the sofa, not speaking, barely looking at each other. For lack of anything else to say Cindy’s mouth took over without the full consent of her brain. “So how long have you been…?”

“Ever since I was little… I’ve been living like this pretty much full time since I graduated high school.” As awkward as this conversation seemed, both of them felt some relief. It was clearly better than the silence that had preceded it.

“So do you plan to fully…?”

“I honestly don’t know yet… I might. Probably I guess,” Faye said with a shrug. The two of them had finally met each others gaze again. There was another pause, and Cindy was afraid she wouldn’t know how to break it this time. Thankfully Faye took it in turn to speak. “I suppose if you’d known you wouldn’t have kissed me.”

“Maybe if I’d known before I wouldn’t have…” Cindy let the honesty of that statement linger in the air for a moment before. Faye was now looking down at her own lap, somewhat embarrassed to have heard the Cindy’s response.

Cindy placed her hand under Faye’s chin and brought the soft skinned girl’s face up to meet her own. Cindy smiled and said “But I’m glad I didn’t know, because I wouldn’t miss a kiss like that for the world.”

A look of elated surprise spread across Faye’s face and she opened her mouth to speak but never got the chance. Cindy’s lips were once again on hers and this time they would barely ever break contact for the remainder of the night.

Friday, March 4, 2011

The Early Days

Ugh... I'm really sorry that I've been neglecting this blog. Part of the problem is that I just get writer's block for what to talk about. Never been great at just talking about nothing, which makes me a bad blogger. But anyways I thought I might reflect on how I got started with dressing. I was putting this one off because there was a specific picture I wanted to scan and use for it that I haven't gotten from my mother yet... but whatever. Another time.

A random shot of my nightstand because... well why the hell not?

I always enjoyed playing dress up, and did so rather indiscriminately as to whether I would dress in boy or girl clothes. For me it was just fun to put on different outfits. When I was around 10 or 11 is when things started to take a bit of a shift. That was the point that I started very deliberately dressing like a girl. I did this completely in private, owing to the fact that I was the son of a single mother who worked full time so I usually had a bit of time between when I got home from school and when she got home. Not to mention that since she was a nurse she had to work weekends every now and then.

At this age, right on the cusp of puberty I would put on feminine clothes and look at myself in the mirror quite a lot. The thing is though at first I was basically looking at myself from the waist down only. Mentally I was cutting out my head and looking at the smooth body in girly things in the mirror. I basically was imagining that I was looking at a girl and we were alone together. I'm not entirely sure at what point this changed but eventually I started to actually see myself as that girl, rather than trying to trick my head into seeing somebody else. It wasn't any kind of sudden revelation, and I didn't think much of it at the time.

I sometimes wonder how things would have progressed if I'd maintained the level of privacy I'd become accustomed to. However my mother got married to a man with several kids of his own and I suddenly found myself no longer having time in the house where I was truly alone. I never had to give up my room, but I wasn't about to dress up in a situation where I thought I would get caught. I didn't really have any inherent shame in what I was doing, it just seemed like a hassle to have to explain it if anybody saw me doing it. So I essentially stopped at that point. It wouldn't be until college that I would start to get back into dressing again. And not surprisingly it wouldn't really flourish until I had a single room and no roommate.

Well I guess that's all for now, I wonder sometimes how many dressers really have much solid memory of why they dressed in their early days. It seems that most of them just have vague memories of putting on dresses and feeling pretty. But in any case, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Until next time.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

A Belle Without a Ball

So I had a bit of an odd night last night. What was supposed to happen was that I was going to go to the Drag Ball over in Burlington. I'd already gotten my ticket and had decided on an outfit to match the 1970s theme of the night. Halfway through getting ready I came to the conclusion that I wasn't actually going to go to the ball, and I ended up staying home. It was an odd conclusion for me to come to, because I haven't gone out in dress since VT Pride, way back in July. While I did miss going out, something just didn't feel right.

I realized that for what I was going through, it wasn't going to be worth it. There were basically a number of things that piled up to lead me to this conclusion. First there was the drive, two hours there and two hours back. It's a drive I've done before (same drive I made to get to VT Pride) but for a commute that long (plus driving back at night, which I hate doing) it has to be worth it. Then there was the event itself. I noted a few days before that while it's called a Ball, which implies sort of a social dancing type event it was actually heavily booked with performers. This probably meant that I'd be standing or sitting around watching other performers so their thing. I don't mind seeing other performers but I knew it was going to make me miss the stage, rather severely. Add on the fact that I didn't know anybody who was going to be there and it just didn't seem worth it. Driving two hours there to see other people do the thing that I wish I was doing while not knowing anybody and then having to drive two hours back. Yeah, so I stayed home.

Photo by my wife Laura

I wasn't depressed over the fact that I opted to stay home, more annoyed. I actually realized that I never was all that excited about the Ball to begin with, probably mostly because I wasn't going to perform in it. What I should have done when I heard about it was contact the organizers to see if there was a performance opening, like I had done with Pride. What I miss mostly about going out is what I used to do in New York, which was perform. So while going out in dress is inherently fun, that's not what I'm really missing right now. So I need to start jumping on the few opportunities that there are around here. I made up for not going out last night with a little photo shoot in the house this morning. The picture above is a sample image, the rest are going up on my flickr page over the next few days.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

What's in a Name?

They say a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But would a dresser by any other name be as feminine? One of the first things any dresser who wishes to be seen (be it online or in public) has to do is figure out what they're going to be called. It's not as easy as you'd think, and I suspect that most dressers go through several names before they settle on one for good.

For myself I was an online dresser for few years before I started going out in public. During that time I would change my name almost every month, though I'd tend to come back to some of the same ones from time to time. When I got to the point that I felt I was ready to start going out I knew that I'd have to pick one and stick with it. One of the first ones that most dressers consider is the feminized version of their given male name, Danielle for Daniel is an easy example. That was something I considered for a time but ultimately it wasn't a viable option. You see the feminized version of my given name is the same as my wife's sister's name. We were dating around that time and she was well aware of what I was going through and was very supportive. However having me use the same name as her sister was just a touch too weird for her.

Photo by Melina Malice

Ultimately that was a good thing for me I feel, because for how I've come to approach and balance dressing in my life it helps to have a feminine name that bares no direct relationship to my given name. I've opted to keep my masculine life and my feminine life fairly distinct and seperate, so having a name that bleeds over into both areas probably would have made it more difficult to arrive at that balance. Of course not all dressers are as compartmentalized as I am and a name that is close to their given name, or a name that works for either gender which could be used all the time (like Alex or Chris,) might work very well for others.

Basically what I ended up doing in my case was literally sitting down and making a list, my wife also gave her thoughts and opinions on what I came up with. I'm still not entirely sure at how I settled on Vera. I know it turned up on the list because the Pink Floyd song "Vera Lynn" was running through my head at the time. Something about it just worked for me I guess, it was a name that felt unique yet wasn't bizarre. I had never met anybody named Vera, and neither had my wife, and that kind of helped. It was old fashioned yet didn't feel all that dated.

Wylde as a last name came a bit easier. I knew that I had an interest in actually performing on stage in drag, so I wanted a name that could function as both a viable stage name but also would work as an everyday name. Drag performers either tend to have campy over the top jokey names (Hedda Letuce and Mimi Imfurst for example) or rather ordinary ones (which usually comes from people who created a female persona first and then took it to the stage sometime later.) My aim was the land somewhere in the middle of that, not sure if I quite made it but I'm very happy with what I ended up with.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 3

So "RuPaul's Drag Race" started its third season earlier this week. I had it recorded on the DVR but hadn't gotten around to watching it until earlier today. I'm a fan of the show but I don't think I'd ever seriously try to get on it. For myself I really don't know enough about making clothes, plus I don't really feel at home amongst drag queens. I know that might sound weird but in my time as a performer I became much more a part of the burlesque scene, and I really appreciated the more welcoming vibe of that scene. Drag queens tend to be... well frankly the tend to be bitchy. The problem is that most of them can't leave the diva attitude on the stage, so it spills over to the backstage and into their general attitude. Get too many divas in a room and nothing but drama will ensue. This makes for great TV of course, but not something I personally want to have to deal with.

There's some things I'm excited for this season. First there's three full bodied queens in the running. There's been one bigger queen in each of the previous seasons but they were cut the first and second week respectively. I'm not saying those particular queens from the first two seasons didn't deserve to be cut but it did feel like bigger girls weren't being well represented. Some of the best drag queens I've ever seen are larger girls and it's nice to see them get their due. Actually speaking of drag queens I know there were a few of them featured in the casting special before the first episode aired. While I wish they would have gotten in it made me smile to see them on the screen if only briefly.

The other thing I liked in the first episode was RuPaul pointing out to a rather distraught Mimi Imfurst that she can put together an outfit without knowing how to sew (thank god for hot glue.) This was just nice for me to see because the second season especially felt almost like more of a fashion design show than a drag show. I know the outfits are a huge part of it and knowing how to make your own gives it that personal touch, but making it look like you're not a real queen if you can't make a runway worthy dress out of scraps kind of ticked me off. The design work is still a big part and it always will be I suppose but it was nice to see it spelled out that not all the girls are awesome seamstresses and some just fake it until they make it.

I am a little concerned about the bitchiness level of some of the queens. I can appreciate a decent dose of reality drama but if things get too bitchy it just makes me want to tune out. The first season really had a great balance of clashing personalities but also a sense of family backstage. The second season saw a bit more of the diva crap going on and things got a little bit more back-stabby. My first impressions of the new cast are a little iffy to be honest, however I'm happy to say that one of the two queens who struck me as the bitchiest was cut in the first episode. So hopefully that'll bring the drama down to manageable proportions.

I may or may not post my thoughts on the show as it goes along but I suspect I'll probably let it be until the last episode then I might give a little wrap up piece.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Gender is Overrated

It hadn't come up in a while but I recently received a communication from somebody who seemed very eager to peg as a woman in a man's body. It actually caused me to realize that I don't think I've ever directly addressed the issue of gender identity here. The closest I came was in my entry about labels, but since my point was how I didn't really fit into most labels used to describe dressers it didn't really address this question of gender.

Man, woman... why should I have to choose?

So what am I? Am I a man who dresses as a woman? Am I a woman who was born as a man? Am I something that is neither one gender or the other? Ugh... gives a headache just trying to nail this stuff down. This was the sort of question that actually really haunted me for quite a while. I just feel that those who have a certain amount of gender ambiguity have even less guidance than those with questions about their sexual preference (though I suspect I'm going to tackle that in another post.) There was a time when I honestly thought that I might be a transexual and that I might need SRS (sexual reassignment surgery.) Thankfully with a little support from a few very close people I came to realize that wasn't what I was or what I needed. But I thought it might be because it seemed like the only logical conclusion based of the very limited information I had at the time. It seemed to me that a guy who dresses as a woman and isn't doing it for sexual kicks must want to be fully transformed into a woman. It didn't occur to me that there was middle ground. Society has to a certain extent come to terms with people who have full on sex changes, however there's so little said or acknowledged about all the gray area in between living as your gender of birth and getting a sex change.

Well I know I'm not androgynous. While I actually tend to be in a bit of awe of people who pull this off I know it's not me, when I'm dressed as a woman I'm quite feminine and when I'm dressed as a guy I'm more masculine (though I hesitate to say manly.) The two don't really bleed over into each other, there's a pretty clear distinction. What's more I seem to be one of the few dressers I've met who's equally at home as either gender. I feel that I have both a feminine and masculine side that are each defined enough that they have their own personality. It's not literally a split personality but I know that being dressed as a woman brings out aspects of myself that are dormant otherwise (flirtiness, extroversion, etc.) I don't feel any more or less "me" as a man or woman, it's just a change of emphasis.

I feel this has gotten a little bit ramblish so I'm going to wrap it up for the day and end by sharing a video. This is a performance I did that is one of my own personal favorites because it plays with the notions of gender much more than anything else I've done. Enjoy and be true to yourselves, whatever that means for you.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

How to Mark the Occassion

I'm coming to realization that I'm rapidly approaching 1,000,000 views on my Flickr photostream. This really feels like something that I should do something for. Something to mark the occassion. The problem is that I'm absolutely stuck for what to do. I'd hate to do something as generic as just adding text to a picture saying "1,000,000 Views!" or some such crap. Guess I'm just not great at these kinds of ideas.

I've considered putting out the call to my contacts on Flickr and Facebook for suggestions. Frankly it's something I'm hesitant to do because I have a strong feeling I'm going to be flooded with requests to go full nude or otherwise indulge in somebody's fetish. Then again amongst all that there might just be a suggestion that's worth doing... well we'll see if I get that desperate or not.

In other news I just want to vent quickly about how much I want to punch our old neighbors from NYC. Recently our mail forwarding stopped which means that some junk mail and solicitations probably turned up at the old address. Well one of our neighbors took it upon themselves to use the info they found in those to open up several credit accounts in my wife's name. We know it's them because they were stupid enough to list their address and give their real name as an assigned "authorized user." Thankfully Laura was able to get in touch with everybody and make clear that these were not initiated by her and we've filed a police report. We seem to have caught it early enough that it shouldn't impact her credit (thank god we closed on the house before this crap started.) I just wish I could be there when the cops knock on their door with a warrant. Fuckers.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year 2011!

Care to share some champagne with me to ring in the New Year?

Well 2010 was a bit of a roller coaster it has to be said. I lost my job (twice) and left New York. Laura and I have now have relocated to the part of the country we plan to remain in but haven't really completely settled in yet. We have a house but only after jumping through more twisted hoops than we even knew existed. We've started making new friends but are still finding our footing as far as having a social life goes. However for all the annoyances we suffered through at the end of it all it's been a pretty possitive year. And hopefully it's laid the foundation of a prosperous 2011.

Generally I don't do resolutions (not formally anyways) but there are a few things I hope to achieve or change in the coming year. For starters I have GOT to get a work out routine and stick to it. I refuse to be forced to loosen by corset anymore than it already it. Secondly I want to try to find some more opportunities to perform or at least go out in dress. Since leaving New York I've done a few shoots but only performed twice (once at VT Pride and once on a return visit to Brooklyn.) I know that performance opportunities up here are few and far between, and I'll probably have to commute a ways for them. However I just don't want to feel like this part of my life ended because I moved. I hope to get over to Burlington for a Drag Ball in February and I might try to advertise my services as a performer for private events like birthdays or bachelorette parties. I haven't done private parties in a long time but they can be fun (they can also be nightmares but what can you do?) If I'm not able to get out more I suspect I'll probably just end up doing more home shoots as a way to vent (that's not a resolution, just a general statement.) Well anyways I hope everybody had a great New Year's Eve and Day. May 2011 bring you wonderful things!

Now who wants to pop the cork?