Friday, March 4, 2011

The Early Days

Ugh... I'm really sorry that I've been neglecting this blog. Part of the problem is that I just get writer's block for what to talk about. Never been great at just talking about nothing, which makes me a bad blogger. But anyways I thought I might reflect on how I got started with dressing. I was putting this one off because there was a specific picture I wanted to scan and use for it that I haven't gotten from my mother yet... but whatever. Another time.

A random shot of my nightstand because... well why the hell not?

I always enjoyed playing dress up, and did so rather indiscriminately as to whether I would dress in boy or girl clothes. For me it was just fun to put on different outfits. When I was around 10 or 11 is when things started to take a bit of a shift. That was the point that I started very deliberately dressing like a girl. I did this completely in private, owing to the fact that I was the son of a single mother who worked full time so I usually had a bit of time between when I got home from school and when she got home. Not to mention that since she was a nurse she had to work weekends every now and then.

At this age, right on the cusp of puberty I would put on feminine clothes and look at myself in the mirror quite a lot. The thing is though at first I was basically looking at myself from the waist down only. Mentally I was cutting out my head and looking at the smooth body in girly things in the mirror. I basically was imagining that I was looking at a girl and we were alone together. I'm not entirely sure at what point this changed but eventually I started to actually see myself as that girl, rather than trying to trick my head into seeing somebody else. It wasn't any kind of sudden revelation, and I didn't think much of it at the time.

I sometimes wonder how things would have progressed if I'd maintained the level of privacy I'd become accustomed to. However my mother got married to a man with several kids of his own and I suddenly found myself no longer having time in the house where I was truly alone. I never had to give up my room, but I wasn't about to dress up in a situation where I thought I would get caught. I didn't really have any inherent shame in what I was doing, it just seemed like a hassle to have to explain it if anybody saw me doing it. So I essentially stopped at that point. It wouldn't be until college that I would start to get back into dressing again. And not surprisingly it wouldn't really flourish until I had a single room and no roommate.

Well I guess that's all for now, I wonder sometimes how many dressers really have much solid memory of why they dressed in their early days. It seems that most of them just have vague memories of putting on dresses and feeling pretty. But in any case, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Until next time.


  1. I just found your blog, so I hope it's okay for me to comment. Thank you for sharing this! And that's awesome that you didn't have any shame about dressing. I wasn't really that lucky and even still struggle with it. My first strong memory of dressing was around 8 or 9 and involved a pair of my mom's shoes that I loved, and it just kinda worked it's way up from there.

  2. Matt, of course you can comment. Please do, frequently! I'd love to get more active readers, maybe it would help encourage me to update this thing more. I'm sorry to hear that you had it rough early on but from what I can see you seem to have a pretty good grasp on things now.

  3. Thanks! And while I'm no saint about updating my own blog lately, I've definitely enjoyed what I've read here, so I look forward to future posts. But I totally understand that photo heavy blogs can be a ton of work. And yes, I'm doing better now, but I must say that it's easier to highlight the highs and downplay the lows on my own blog. (Some of it is that I'm trying to be the change I want to see in the world!) Okay, sorry to leave a novel here! Thanks again! :)