Monday, March 28, 2011

Work is a Bitch

Well just yesterday I do a blog entry expressing my concerns relating to my job, and today fate decided to fuck with me. I'd call it irony, but as an English major I know this isn't all actually ironic, just a big cruel coincidence. Anyways, for those who didn't read yesterday's blog I basically whined about how I feel like I have to be more careful at my job than I have in any of my past employments. That feeling made me feel more closeted than I have in the past and basically it kind of sucks. But as of yesterday it really was just a feeling, now it's a reality.

I had the misfortune to overhear my boss use the term "queer" to describe something she didn't like. In the big scheme of things I know this sounds extremely minor but honestly when I heard that my heart sank into my stomach and stayed there the entire day. The fact that she was talking to my co-worker conversationally but felt the need to more or less whisper that particular word served as confirmation to me that she really did mean it in the manner I never wanted to hear. Trust me I'd love to explain it away, I know that "queer" can just mean weird, and if she'd just said the word in the same tone of voice as the rest of her conversation I might be able to tell myself that was the case here. But her whipsering it meant that she knew she shouldn't be saying it, which means to me that she meant in the way that she knows isn't really ok for her to mean it. It was devistatingly revealling about the character of my boss. It's not even really about the word, it's about what it says about my boss (and the person she said it to if not most of the office.)

While I don't flaunt my dressing or drag performance I've never had to go out of the way to hide who I was, until this. It's really bizarre how one little word can suddenly change the entire vibe of the office for me. I'm well aware that I'd be within my rights to talk to HR about this and say that I was felt uncomfortable, but I doubt I'll do that. I'm not mad at my boss, I'm not out for revenge or want to see her disciplined by Human Resources. I'm saddened and depressed by what this revealed about the person I directly answer to, and I'm now stuck with that for as long as I work there whether I report it not. No amount of formal complaints will restore the comfort level I had before.

So where does this leave me? About a foot deeper in a closet that I never was in before. That's what's most frustrating about all of this, it's a massive step backwards for me. Actually it's more than that, it's not like it's falling back to a level I'd moved past: I NEVER had to deal with this before. I had been fortunate enough to basically skip over all this crap and reach a level of acceptance early on, and now that all feels completely gone. I'm hoping that a good night's sleep and enough time past without hearing anything else like that will help me regain some level of comfort. But until then I'm not looking forward to going to work anymore. Because of one stupid little word. God damn it.

No picture today, just too damned messed up over this.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry! As someone who spent a good 15-20 years in the closet with extreme guilt, shame, and self dislike... it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. For what it's worth, I think there's a difference between self-acceptance and self-preservation. I still have my issues, but a significant amount of my reservation in my life now about who knows is based more on safety and getting-along, and less out of shame and self hatred.

    Anyway, I don't mean to ramble on, I hope something works itself out, and I'm just trying to be helpful. Good luck!

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