Photo by my wife Laura.For the first time I find myself working at a company that actually makes something. So while I work in the office it's attached to the warehouse and the production line. These places are home to much more blue collar type workers than I'm used to being around. I hate to generalize and make it seem like "these people could never get me" but speaking bluntly it's far less likely that they would. It's also more likely that somebody out of the lot would be angered by somebody like me. Even in the office the co-workers in my immediate proximity are a bit more... rural than I'm used to at this point. The kind of folks who say "git-r-done" seriously. Nothing wrong with any of them, and I'm enjoying working there for the most part but it's definitely out of my personal comfort zone at this point. I didn't have this issue at my last job, because even though I never came out to anybody there I had the comfort of the fact that there was a very obviously and very openly gay employee. Just knowing he was there was a relief and kind of took the pressure off my mind. I don't have that cushion now and it gets me down sometimes. I don't expect to be able to prance around my job in a dress. I don't even really want to tell these people. I get along well enough with everybody but they're not the kinds of people I'd become friends with outside of work therefore not the kind of people I'd let into this part of my life. But for the first time I feel like I actually have to truly hide it and keep a lid on it. In New York a fair number of people know, at my last job they didn't but if they found out it wouldn't be a big deal. The idea of people at my current job finding out actually scares me, and that's a new feeling. One that I'm not enjoying. I'm sure some of you will think "Then get a new job." Except that setting this issue aside I like my job, I like the work and the people are pleasant. Besides where I'm living and in the economy we've got going I'm fortunate to have found work at all, so I'm not about to look that gift horse in the mouth. Just wish it's a gift horse I didn't fear was going to throw me off.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
One Foot in the Closet Part 2
The last time that I talked about feeling more closeted than I used to it was in relation to living in a small town. Now I'm sad to report that another area of my life is feeling somewhat clamped down on, and that's my job. To put this in some form of context I was never completely out and open at my job in New York. I never came into work in drag nor did I talk about it brazenly with anybody in the office. However some of my co-workers who I considered friends were aware (some even came to see me perform) and that made it feel like I was never hiding anything. That's not the case anymore. There's a few things I think contributing to this closeted feeling as far as my job goes. Again I'm not one to flaunt, because while I have no shame about who I am I also feel that it doesn't define me nor is it really anybody's business. However regardless of whether or not I choose to tell anybody I hate the feeling that I can't. Feeling like the choice just isn't there anymore is what's getting me down at this point.