All Hail the Queen

Here We Go Again

2012-01-28T19:41:00.000-08:00

Everytime the latest social or artistic/photographic networking thing comes along I always tell myself that I'm not going to get involved with this one. And I always end up being wrong, at least for a little while. Google+, LinkedIn, and Twitter: all of these I swore I wouldn't sign up for and I've been wrong every time. Granted I pay attention to some more than others but that's neither here nor there.

So now I'm on tumblr: http://verawylde.tumblr.com/ This despite the fact that until I checked out the tumblr account of my friend Nic Buxom I didn't even really know what the deal with that site was. I still am not totally sure that I do, but I'm on it anyways for those who want to follow it. I'll mostly be uploading choice pictures and I hope to keep a pace of one every other day or so, we'll see if that lasts.

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #12: Cleavage

2012-01-22T15:06:00.000-08:00

Back again! And it occurred to me that when I covered breasts and the bustline before I didn't really address the issue of cleavage. It's no something you need to create for every outfit but sometimes it's really necessary to make the overall look work. So here you go!

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #11: Tucking

2012-01-15T19:10:00.001-08:00

Well it's a new year so with that in mind I think it's time for me to tackle the single more requested topic: tucking. I really wasn't sure that I was ever going to address this just because it's tricky to do without the video becoming overly explicit (sorry folks but I'm not going to actually SHOW you how to do it.) But I hope you all still find this helpful.

A Crossdressers Thoughts on ABC Show "Work It"

2012-01-04T19:14:00.000-08:00

I'm going to warn folks up front that this might become a bit ranty, so those who don't do well with righteous indignation might want to skip out right now. The ABC network has recently rolled out a comedy called "Work It." The premise is that in the tough economy two straight men dress as women in order to land sales job at a company that was only looking for women.

Skipping past the fact that a company of any size which flat out tells an applicant that they won't be hired because of their gender would be sued into oblivion there's still plenty to hate. I take quite a few issues with this thing for what are probably going to be fairly obvious reasons. It falls into the exact same offensive pitfalls that nearly every "crossdressing comedy" falls into.

First it enforces the stance in pop culture that men dressed as women is something to laugh at. Of course they always take straight men and come up with some ridiculous circumstances that require them to cross dress. Because no rational man would ever put on a dress unless there were dire circumstances. Then there's all the cliches of learning make-up, how to walk, leg shaving, etc, etc and these aren't so much offensive as just horribly tired.

Now to be fair I haven't actually watched a full episode. I'm not that masochistic. To try and give this thing as fair a shake as I could stomach I did watch all of the preview clips that ABC made available. Supposedly these clips are the best stuff, the stuff that is supposed to make viewers want to see more. I'm sorry but if that's as good as it gets I'm NEVER going to sit through an episode of this.

From what I saw I actually think this might be more insulting to woman than to people of a transgendered persuation. I say this because it makes women look like the biggest idiots on the planet. There are plenty of dressers out there who are passable, however these two most definitely are not. I understand them making bad women is supposed to be funny. But not only is it not funny it makes all of the women around them who are fooled by this pathetic charade look mentally challenged.

I can only hope that the rating tank so badly that this show is pulled before the end of the spring season. Let it die quickly and quietly so I don't have to waste any more energy being angry about this shit.

Christmas Shopping for a Crossdresser

2011-12-16T04:35:00.000-08:00

I'll admit to a dual purpose to this video. First I just thought it would be fun just to toss out some Christmas shopping ideas. Since the ideas are what to buy for a crossdresser you might know well enough to Christmas shop for I honestly don't know how many people this applies to, but I had fun with it anyways. I'll also admit it's a shameless plug for my wishlist , what can I say? I love stuff.

One thing I did forget to mention in the video is jewelry. If you're buying necklaces or bracelets be sure to get larger sizes, and clip on earings are always a good fallback because nice looking ones are annoying to try and find.

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #10: Heels

2011-12-09T17:44:00.001-08:00

There are few things that top off the feminine touches quite like a pair of cute high heels. However before you dive headfirst into the world of stilleto shoes and sore feet there are some things to know and keep in mind. As always I hope folks find this helpful.

Introducing the Wishlist

2011-11-27T18:00:00.001-08:00

I'd apologize again for the lack of updates but I'm trusting that by now folks are either accepting that parenthood has cut into my time or they aren't so I'm not going to apologize for it anymore. I still have hopes and plans for some new photos and videos in the not too distant future, but I'm hesitant to put any kind of timeline on it.

Though to be honest it hasn't just been a lack of time that is repsonsible for my failure to shoot some new stuff. Part of it has been a lack of motivation. Don't misunderstand, I'm not losing my passion for dressing but rather I've gone through most of my outfits and pretty much everything I think would be good for a shoot has been used. I'm loath to repeat myself so it's hard to find the motivation to climb back into an outfit I've already used if I don't have a fresh spin on it.

Going into the closet and coming up empty, photo by my wife Laura

An obvious solution is a new wardrobe. Since I'm not yet in a position to start expanding my wardrobe I thought it would be fun to give my fans a chance to contribute. I've created a publicly accessible Amazon wishlist. On it I've selected 100 items in a wide range of theme and price. Everything from heels to full costumes to temporary tattoos, anything that I think would be fun to do a shoot in. For those unfamiliar with how a wishlist works, you can purchase items from it and have them sent to me directly through Amazon.

So here's the deal, I pledge that any items purchased will be featured in a new set of pictures. Nothing will simply sit idle in my closet. I'll also gladly take requests from those who purchase items on how to feature them in photos (assuming the requests are not of an overtly pornographic nature, because that's just not happening.) If anybody has additional suggestions they can send them to verawylde@gmail.com and I may add them to the wishlist.

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #9: Eye Shadow

2011-11-07T19:08:00.000-08:00

Don't worry all, I won't abandon you. My time has become more limited but I plan to still get these out as frequently as I'm able to. This one will wrap up all things related to the eyes. Hope it helps!

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T19:25:00.000-07:00

Well let me say up front that I didn't have the time to do a Halloween photo-shoot this year. Between the new baby and the fact that I was coming up on empty on a costumer idea it just didn't happen. Sorry folks.

That said this was the first Halloween in the house so it was quite an exciting experience already. We really have struck out as far as trick or treaters go in previous years. First we were at an apartment complex near Boston, which frankly had too many empty apartments and not enough kids. Then we were in New York and not only were they not many kids but what few there were acted like total brats with their disinterested parents on their cell phones. Depressing.

Not this year though, not only are there plenty of kids in our town but we also happen to live in a really prime location. We're viewable from one of the main roads, which was thus also one of the primary trick or treating routes. Kids of all ages came up, some on their own and some supervised and it was just a fun experience. We sat out on the porch with the baby and the dog, the latter of whom we put in a balerina hippo costume much to her dismay.

Neither my wife nor myself were in any kind of costume, she didn't really have anything and coming from work I didn't really have the time or energy. The kids costumes were all over the place, from the instantly identifiable to the "what the heck" randomness of kids with just colored face paint and matching clothes. I'm happy to say there wasn't an overflow of hookerish clothes on the young girls... though it was unnerving when it did happen.

Of course the dresser in me couldn't help but smile at the occassional gender bending costume. One of the first I saw was a young boy in a pink tutu. I'm sure it was a joke but it made me smile anyways. There were also more than a few girls who had mustaches, most were being the Devil though there was a girl being a boy pirate as well. Just a reminder that even at a young age Halloween is practically the crossdresser's national holiday. Hope you're was fun!

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #8: Corsets, Padding & Hips

2011-10-07T17:41:00.000-07:00

I told you there was more coming! I keep my promises. We talked curves before, but last time it was the bust. This time it all about hips. Vital stuff and there's a few different approaches so I try to cover all the bases. Hope it helps!

Semi-Hiatus

2011-09-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

I'm going to keep this short and sweet, because frankly I'm tired. My daughter was born this past week. I'm happy to report that both she and my wife are home and healthy. However it should be obvious to anybody who's ever had a kid that my time is going to rather limited for things like dressing up and doing this blog. I don't want to abandon it and will do my best but updates will likely become much more sporadic and spaced out.

There will be more tips for crossdressers videos on the way because I had the foresight to pre-record a number of them at once to be uploaded later. However once I run through my back catalogue I don't know when I'll have time to make more. I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime I hope everybody is well and just know that I'm still around... just very very very busy.

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #7: Wigs & Hair

2011-09-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

Back again! Wigs are such a wild card, they can completely make or break a look and they're also one of the hardest thing to give general tips about. However I'm damn well going to try!

Early Dressing Memories: Nail Polish

2011-09-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I find myself reminiscing about the earlier days of my dressing. As I think I've mentioned before (or maybe not, I'm too lazy to look through old entries right now) High School was a bit of a dry spell for me. I experimented with dressing in grade school but when my mother got married I suddenly found myself with step-siblings when I'd been an only child before. So privacy went out the window and dressing went with it.

I do remember an incident in high school though with nail polish. All four years of high school I sang in the school chorus and also got into the district chorus every year as well. My freshmen year during some of the downtime at districts one of the senior males from my school was painting his finger nails, out of boredom I suspect. There were enough colors to go around that a number of the other boys ended up doing the same. I painted my nails for the first time, doing my left hand in a dark green.

I left it there for a while, something about the colors made it almost seem like somebody else's hand. I found that I would instinctively hold my hand differently than I was before and it kind of intrigued me. I wouldn't go so far as to say that it re-opened dressing for me but nail painting was almost a lifeline to dressing during the high school years. My school had a dress code so I couldn't wear it most of the time. But every now and then on long weekends or for Halloween I would do my nails. More often I would do my toe nails, knowing they'd be covered and unseen.

I was just thinking about this because I did my nails for the first time in months this weekend, only to have to take it off for work today. It was rewarding yet frustrating all at once... so it goes.

Thoughts on Lady Gaga at the VMAs & a Shout Out to Drag Kings

2011-08-30T04:54:00.000-07:00

Because I'm lame and don't stay up very late anymore (unless I'm writing) I didn't watch the VMAs when they aired. However on the advice of my wife I did catch a video of Lady Gaga's performance number which she did in drag. As with many things she does it seems to have had a divided reaction. I'm too lazy to do the research and find out if the general opinion was positive or negative. However I will say that watching the footage the reaction from those in the audience at the VMAs seemed to be one mostly of confusion. It was sort of odd to me only because the sort of act she did was completely old hat to me. Guess that's what happens when you hang out with drag kings.

Old School Switch N Play.

From left to right: Peter Bigs, Manny Mango, Syditious, Chaz del Diablo, Pepe Pan and Maximum Satisfaction down on the floor.

I had very little knowledge of drag kings before I moved to NYC. I never really came across them during my time in Boston. That all changed thanks to the members of Switch N Play and a little bi-monthly even they hosted called "Open Drag." These Brooklyn based kings performed all around the city but also were sure to give a venue to their friends and even those who had never performed before. The first time I performed at "Open Drag" I was the only queen there. Yet oddly that was not in anyway intimidating. Maybe it's because I just find myself more at ease around women in general but I never felt like the odd one out.

There is a very different metality between drag queens and drag kings, not all that different from the difference between drag queens and burlesque which I've talked about before. I think it's very telling that drag queens are always solo acts (maybe with a subserviant stage-hand) whereas the vast majority of drag kings are in troupes. There's a sense of community and comradery to drag kings rather than the sense of competition that you get with drag queens. If I were to guess I would say it might have to do with woman trying to be men and reaching out for that kind of brotherly attachment they see. In contrast most drag queens gravitate towards the diva persona, and all the drama that comes with it.

Current Switch N Play line up.

From left to right: K. James, Jack Kelly, Maximum Satisfaction, Manny Mango, Jonathan Bitchman and Bianca Dagga.

I was amazed, and frankly am still flattered to this day by the fact that Switch N Play invited me to become a member of the group. They never had a queen member before, but again that gives you an idea of the kind of openness that exists in the drag king community. Even the kings who take on personas of slobs or posturing douche-bags are still sweet-hearts backstage. Nothing against all the talented drag queens out there but if given a choice I opt to hang out with the kings everytime. Also, and I'm less clear on the reason for this, drag kings seem to get what I do a little bit better than drag queens. I get looks sometimes from queens like I'm screwing up their art because I don't do it their way. Perhaps it's because there is much less of a fixed image of what a drag king should be that makes them more open to interpretations of other performance types as well. Or maybe I was just really meant to be born a lesbian, who knows?

I encourage any and all to check out more about Switch N Play on their website, flickr photostream, and YouTube page. Gaga did it well enough, but watch the professionals do their thing!

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #6: Eye Lashes

2011-08-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

I'm back with more! There's always something else to offer advice on, and this time it's eye lashes. Any performer who has ever shared a dressing room with me can tell you about my love/hate relationship with false lashes. And now you can learn all about it too! Hope folks find this helpful.

Child's Play

2011-08-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

Well I said that I wasn't sure if I would bring up my daughter again on this blog (who's arrival date is fast approaching) but this struck me as something worth sharing. I had mentioned previously that I have no intention of hiding my dressing from my daughter. The last thing I want to do is inadvertantly teach her that you must hide what you are. However the issue was how to introduce all of this to her in a way that would go smoothly.

The concern has never been about her but about other kids and other people in general. Because little kids love to talk and love to share, which means that inevitably she would tell some friend or teacher or somebody else that her daddy dresses like a girl. And that's where the problems would arise, because it would open her up to be picked on and judged for something that I do. It's not fair but it is a reality, if there's something different about a child the other kids will make her miserable for it. So we want to minimize the chances of that while still being open and honest with her. We don't want to have her know but keep it a secret. First off that's unrealistic and secondly it's instilling a sense of shame or that there's something wrong with our family.

The solution we have struck upon is to treat it as a game, and one that the whole family takes part in. This will work very well for me since I don't live my day to day life in dress, it is rather something that I do for myself on occasion. So on those occasions it will be "dress up time" for the whole family. My wife will dress up in some outfit or costume and our daughter will get to dress up however she wants and play. Doubtless there will even be times when I dress in some outfit that is not drag. This makes it so rather than "daddy wears a dress at home" it becomes "we play dress up together."

A glimpse into my own childhood dress up time with the neighbor's kids.

Doubtless as she grows older there will eventually be questions about why I dress as a woman but at least by them (hopefully) she won't feel that there's something wrong with that. Off to the baby shower soon. Wanted to share this plan just in case there is anybody else out there who might benefit from the idea.

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #5: Eyeliner

2011-08-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since I got one of these up, but there was Pride and other stuff that was taking up my time. But I haven't abandoned those of you who find these useful. We're getting back to make-up and focusing on the eyes. Talking eyeliner this time. Shadow and lashes will be addressed later.

Early Feminine Influences

2011-07-30T14:56:00.000-07:00

I've talked a little bit about influences before but that was in relation to performance not in terms of my dressing in general. As I've said before there wasn't any sudden revelation about wanting to dress as a woman, however there is a moment I can pin-point where I took notice of femininity in a way I hadn't before. Many dressers can name a movie or tv show or singer who sparked somthing in them. Well I have a movie moment that in hindsight did have an impact on me, though I'm not sure I realized much about it at the time.

The film is "Who Framed Roger Rabbit," and the moment is the introduction of Jessica Rabbit. Anybody who's seen the film no doubt knows exactly what I'm talking about. But to be sure we're on the same page here's the scene:

Now this movie came out before I'd hit puberty so the sexual overtones of the scene were somewhat lost on me for a few years. However there are things about Jessica that did strike me even at the time. The character is obviously an exaggeration in terms of a woman's body, namely the size of the bust and those insane hips. However there's one thing that keeps this moment from being exploitive, and that is fact that she holds all the power. From the instant she steps out from behind that curtain she not only has everybody's attention but she is completely dominating the room. The men may hoot and hollar but there's never any question that she is in control of everything going on, she can lure and man in and then cut him down with just a glance. Seeing the power of femininity in that moment is something that has stuck with me... plus I'll admit that I tried to emulate that hip swivel at an young age just trying to figure out the logistics of it (somewhat to my mother's dismay at the time.)

It's funny the moments that make up how I've chosen to express myself as a woman. They're things that I have to really think about to uncover, but now looking back I can see and appreciated how much these moments shaped the woman I try to be. I would never say that moment suddenly made me want to dress as a woman, but when I started to develope that part of myself moments like this did influence my perceptions and choices. You never know what's going to shape you until years later. Funny how that plays out.

VT Pride Video Diary

2011-07-24T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well this was a first for me, but I took a shot at recording video of not only my own performance numbers but also VT Pride in general. This is my first attempt at one of these videos but I'm rather happy with. I think it also gives you the feel of what it was like at VT pride much better than me writing about it could do. So enjoy:

I may put up isolated video of my full performance numbers if there's interest. Otherwise I think this works as a highlight reel.

Time for Pride Again!

2011-07-22T04:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure why I had thought I'd get back down to NYC every few months to see friends and do a show. I think it was just the little lie I told myself to make leaving the city a little easier, since friends and performing were the only things I was going to miss. I've come to terms with the fact that isn't really in the cards, and I'll be lucky to get down there once a year. The point being that my excitement at being able to perform in VT Pride is extremely high.

Image taken from a video my wife Laura took from last year's Pride.

Details for the Pride Festival are here but the short version is that performances start at 1pm at Battery Park in Burlington. Yes it's suppused to be blazing hot but it's right by the lake so there might be a nice breeze coming off the water... god I hope so. I'll be doing two numbers, one of my old favorites and also a brand new one. Hope to see anybody in the area come out for the fun!

Prostitution

2011-07-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

I'm going to warn people up front, this one is going to get ranty. Prostitution is a bit of an odd topic for me to tackle as it's not something I've ever engaged in, nor do I ever plan to. However I've known enough people who have and seen enough news stories about transgendered prostitutes being abused or killed that I've formed some pretty strong opinions all the same. I'll get to the punchline first: legalize it already!

The image of the prostitute is poor, drug addicted abuse victims and I'm aware that does happen. However not all those who engage in the practice do so out of desperation or are forced into it. I've known more than a few who are prostitutes completely by choice because at the end of the day they enjoy it. I'm not trying to belittle those who are abused and forced because I understand that does happen. But part of the reason that happens is because it's illegal. Most of the terrible things about being a prostitute (drugs, rape, etc) either happen because it's an illegal act or are at least made worse by that fact. The reason prostitutes are such easy targets for those who abuse them is that they can't go to the police without incriminating themselves as prostitutes. This means that they won't report if they are beated or raped and their abusers know this.

Despite appearances I'm not working the street corner. Photo by Banafsheh Ehtemam.

In addition to that issue there's simply no logical reason why it is illegal. It is the perfect embodiment of a victimless crime. Some may say that the prostitutes themselves are the victims, but as stated that's a situation caused by and made worse by its illegality. What logical sense does it make for a person to be legally forbidden to do something for money that they can do for free with no reprocussions. Sex is perfectly legal, only the money changing hands makes it a crime. Yet there's nothing illegal about the act in question itself, how does that make sense?

It makes even less sense if you take porn into account. Think about it: if a man meets a woman (or dresser, transwoman, what have you,) takes her back to his place, has sex with her and gives her money for it then it's a crime. But if that same man takes that same woman back to his place, gives her money to have sex, video tapes it, gets her to sign a release and then sells that video it's just business. How does the involvement of a camera and additional commerce suddenly take the curse off it? Again it just makes no sense.

So come folks, can we get off our outdated moral high horse and just legalize it already? Regulate it, liscence it (clean bill of health being the main prequisite,) prosicute those who don't get a liscence, then tax the heck out of it. It's called "the world's oldest profession" for a reason and it's not going away. If somebody of their own free will wants to use their own body and god given talents to make a living who are we to tell them no?

Ok, rant's over. Move along now.

Born This Way?

2011-06-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

I know that "born this way" has become a bit of a buzz term for those of us who are a bit... unusual in the gender or sexuality department. We can thank the blog of the same name and Lady Gaga for that. I honestly don't know how I feel about the notion overall, because on a personal level I don't like that idea that I have no say in what kind of person I am. That said I do believe that sexuality is not a choice, and I can't deny that the desire for me to dress does seem to be ingrained in me to some degree. With that in mind I thought I'd share these images with you.

I was probably four or five when these pictures were taken. At the time our neighbors had young girls who were slightly older than me, so thanks to them for providing the hat, tank top and tutu. I don't have particularly clear memories of this, but I do remember playing with the girls and dressing up in general. It's just the tutu doesn't ring an immediate bell.

I guess I have to admit that even if I wasn't born this way I sure as hell got off to an early start.

Tips for Beginning Crossdressers #4: Shopping

2011-06-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I've discussed this top before in the blog but now you can listen to me ramble live! As a bonus I've finally figured out a way to get the video and audio to sync up properly so hopefully that'll be the norm from here on out. Enjoy!

Reminiscing on New York

2011-06-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I find that people get very puzzled about the fact that I moved from New York City to a rinky dink little two in Vermont. They don't understand why I'd leave a city like that at all, and given my dressing and performance ambitions it would seem to make even less sense. No to be blunt most of the reasons my wife and I left the city were completely seperate from my dressing but I'm going to focus on the city experience from that viewpoint, after all that's what this blog is about.

Me at one of the many Trans Nights to be found in the city.

One of the worst things about New York in general is also one of the best things about it from the perspective of being a dresser: nobody gives a crap about anybody else. The downside to this is that it renders the vast majority of New Yorkers apathetic assholes. All they see you as is an obsticle in their way, if they see you at all. I've always said the city is great but the people there suck. The flip side to this is that it makes going out dressed in public much more feasible because as noted: nobody gives a crap. It's taking advantage of one of the annoyances of the city, people just don't give a damn if somebody is walking down the street in drag. That said it's not a total free reign, like any large city there are some areas safer than others, but as a rule people just don't give a damn.

And of course the other benefit of a big city is that one is more likely to find those who are like-minded, simply by virtue of there being more people around. I have mentioned how most of the people in New York suck, and I stand by that. But the people I met who didn't were incredible, few they were. And of course there were far more gatherings of dressers and drag queens than can be found in more rural areas. Where I am know there's Pride... a drag ball... and that's about it, so roughly two gatherings of note per year.

As mentioned the reasons for leaving New York weren't dressing related. The big one was financial. One of the big problems with New York is that it's so expensive to live there that you probably can't afford to do many of the great things the city has to offer. After four years Laura and I had felt we'd gotten everything we were going to get out of living in the city and it was time to move on. We're very happy where we are, and while I may miss certain things about NYC, those moments are fleeting. I would encourage anyone who feels inclined to visit, or even move there for a few years. But don't stay too long, or you'll never get out.

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #3: Curves Part 1

2011-06-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

Ok it's time for some more tips. This time we're going to stray away from make-up tips and go for some body shape advice. Hope that people find this helpful. This was the most fun to make so far.

Feeling Sexy

2011-05-27T08:31:00.000-07:00

Let's be honest, a big part of why I dress is that it makes me feel sexy as all hell. No I should be clear on this before there's any confusion. I explained before in a blog last year that dressing for me is not a sexual act. Something being sexual and feeling sexy is not the same thing. Most of us feel sexy after a good haircut, but that doesn't mean we get off on the sound of clippers. So realize I'm not talking sexual act, just feeling sexy.

Photo by my wife Laura

I don't know if this is the case for other dressers, but for me at least it's actually much easier to feel sexy as a woman than as a man. I think that has quite a bit to do with the fact that it's much easier for me to act sexy as a woman. As a basically heterosexual man I have a much clearer idea in my mind of what women do that I find sexy, which makes it easier to build from that knowledge. Trying to be sexy as a guy is... difficult. In fact to be honest there doesn't seem to be any real technique to being a sexy guy, it feels like you either have it or you don't. Most guys who try to act sexy end up looking goofy or like douche bags... or both.

Women (and therefore anybody dressed as one) have a whole bag of tricks ranging from certain walks and flips of the hair to breathy whispers and tight clothing. There's a whole spectrum of sex appeal for women to use, and unless they come off as awkward or unconfident when they do any of these things they almost always work. Guys... not so much. Aside from massive muscles (which doesn't do it for everybody anyways) the common theme with "sexy" guys seems to be that it comes effortlessly. That is down right impossible to mimic if you don't just have it.

So while I don't think I'm an awkward male I rarely feel like a sexy one because it's never been clear what I could do to be sexy. As a woman though I know what things I can do, and granted they can be over the top at times but it just makes me feel sexy. That's a wonderful feeling and it's one I get much more easily in dress.

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #2: Lipstick

2011-05-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

Well I might actually live up to a promise for once and keep these coming semi-regularly. This was a second take. I had wanted to get this up last week but the first time recording I really didn't like how it turned out. Much happier with this one. That said I didn't realize until I rewatched it for the second or third time how loud Tiki and Lula (the family parakeets) were squawking in the background on a few parts. Oh well. As before this is not a detailed tutorial or a how-to, it's just some general tips I think some might find helpful.

Returning to Pride... Let the Panic Set In

2011-05-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to announce that I've been booked to perform at this year's VT Pride in Burlington on 7/23. I was privelaged enough to be able to perform two numbers at last year's pride and have been hoping I'd get to go back and do it all over again. I don't know yet if I'll get to do one or two numbers, but I want to do at least one brand new piece... and that's where I'm running into trouble.

When I found out that I was booked for the show I thought coming up with a new piece would be easy: I just had to pick one of the pieces I'd been thinking about but never got around to doing when I was in NYC. The problem is that these dormant ideas fall into one of four categories. The first are numbers that simply aren't appropriate to the venue. This is a public show in a park and needs to be kept to PG-13, so any overly risque numbers are out. Then there's pieces that would be too elaborate for what I want to accomplish (requiring too many props or a set, etc.) Next are numbers that I really want to do as multi-person pieces, things I wish I'd been able to do with Switch N Play before I moved. Finally there's numbers that require costumes that I don't own and can't afford to buy in the time I have.

Relaxing before my first number at last year's Pride. Photo by Laura.

This last category is the most frustrating. There's a bridal number I've thought about doing for a while, but I don't have any part of the outfit. I don't even own white heels. While I wouldn't go out and buy an actual wedding dress, even putting together semblance of one requires many items and those costs add up.

I'm probably going to have to try to find a new song or two work with also, as all the songs I've been going over keep giving me ideas that fall into one of the previously mentioned categories. I'm sure I'll come up with something. I've got over two months, and I'm already excited!

The only sad note is that since she'll be neck deep into directing a play Laura won't be able to join me this year. Having her there was a big part of the fun last time. She hasn't gotten to see me perform as much as I would like and she took some great pictures and video last time. It won't be quite the same without her.

Arrrrrrgh Matey!

2011-05-13T19:44:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since I did art modeling. I actually haven't done it since I posed for Betty Spaghetti's School of Art and Debauchery and that was long enough ago that I'm having a hard time remembering what year it was. So getting to pose at the White River Junction, VT branch of Dr. Sketchy's was a wonderful night for me. The theme was "Pirates of the Connecticut" inspired by the upcoming release of the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" film.

I got to pose with a gentleman by the name of Ben Tolosa who was all done up like the one and only Captain Jack Sparrow. I wasn't meant to be anybody in particular but that gave me a little more freedom in my costume. It's almost embarassing that I happened to have the bandana, cutlass and replica vintage pistol just laying around the house. I'm a geek, what else can I say?

All of these are by the same artist, Barb Stender. I'm hoping to get to see some of the other sketches done that night and there will be pictures later. Those may not go up here but you can keep an eye on my flickr page. I want to thank Miss Phoebe for hosting a great night. I hope to get to go back and do it again. If I was a bit closer I'd probably be going even on the nights I wasn't posing. If anybody is in the area or even in a comutable distance I recommend checking it out on future nights.

Meet My Daughter

2011-05-10T19:23:00.001-07:00

Yes it's true, my wife and I are having a baby. It's something we've been trying to make work for a while so we're extremely excited. We found out the gender on Sunday. There's a decent chance that this may be one of the only times I put up photos of her in this blog. I try to keep my daily life and drag life fairly seperate, it just makes things easier for me that way. I have no intention of hiding this side of myself from my child. However until she's old enough to say to me "I don't mind if you talk about me in your drag blog" then I would consider it a violation of her privacy to do so. Sure I've put up pictures of myself and my wife here, but she's given me permission to do so, a baby can't do that.

However I still wanted to share this bit of excitement with everybody. I may bring up any ins and outs of being a dresser with a child as I see fit, we're still figuring out how to handle the whole notion. As I said it's not something I'd want to hide from her because I don't feel it's something to be ashamed of and she shouldn't think that either. But as with so many things, it's not her I'm worried about, it's everybody else. How do you explain to a child that it's perfectly ok that daddy plays dress up likea girl but that it's better that she not tell her friends? Well I don't have the answer to that, so we'll have to figure it out as we go along.

Oh and while I'm not ready to share the name we've chosen here... I will say this: it means "great queen." Go figure right?

Crossdressing Tips for Beginners #1

2011-05-04T19:54:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about doing this for a while. When I first started dressing myself I didn't have a great deal of guidance or help. I had to learn what I now know mostly through trial and error. I eventually got a handle on things and now I get questions from others who are starting out and looking for some advice. Now I'm not an expert in make-up or fashion, but I just wanted to share what's worked for me in the hope that it will help some of you out there. So with that in mind this first entry covers foundation. I'll try to have this be a bi-weekly thing.

Haikus of a Drag Queen

2011-04-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but I was struck by a poetic muse today so I thought I'd share a few haikus I composed.

Fumbling tense fingers

Can't create special beauty

False eyelashes suck

Slave to the rhythm

Hips grind against a stranger

Just another night

You hoot and holler

If you want me to see you

Stuff cash in my bra

Hope you enjoyed. Maybe I'll make this a regular feature of the blog.

General Update and Future Modeling

2011-04-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

Ugh... I'm neglecting the hell out of this thing. BAD VERA! Part of the problem is that there are some specific things I want to talk about but I'm lacking certain visuals I want to pair with them (specific pictures, video, etc.) And of course there's also the fact that I'm a world class procrastinator... but I'm sure that's not a big part of the problem. Nah, couldn't be.

Well another thing is a lack of notable vents for the most part. Work has become a bit of a routine, not a bad one but certainly not an exciting one. We're still working bit by bit on the house. Finally got some curtains and we just picked up a filter for the pond in the back yard. With any luck we might have a few water flowers and some fish in there before too long.

Last time I modeled for Betty Spaghetti's School of Art and Debauchery

I'm about a month away from my first modeling work in... damn... over a year. That's a sobering thought. I have GOT to find more to do around here. Anyways it'll be art modeling which I haven't done in a very long time and I've only ever done in drag twice before. Still I'm very excited about it. Since the session is in May and that marks the release of the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie... you guessed it, I'll be posing as a pirate wench! This'll be new for me and definitely tons of fun. There should be pictures and naturally pieces of art that result from this so I'll be sure to share them when that rolls around.

Guess that's about it. I'll try to have the next entry not take so long.

Work is a Bitch

2011-03-28T19:50:00.001-07:00

Well just yesterday I do a blog entry expressing my concerns relating to my job, and today fate decided to fuck with me. I'd call it irony, but as an English major I know this isn't all actually ironic, just a big cruel coincidence. Anyways, for those who didn't read yesterday's blog I basically whined about how I feel like I have to be more careful at my job than I have in any of my past employments. That feeling made me feel more closeted than I have in the past and basically it kind of sucks. But as of yesterday it really was just a feeling, now it's a reality.

I had the misfortune to overhear my boss use the term "queer" to describe something she didn't like. In the big scheme of things I know this sounds extremely minor but honestly when I heard that my heart sank into my stomach and stayed there the entire day. The fact that she was talking to my co-worker conversationally but felt the need to more or less whisper that particular word served as confirmation to me that she really did mean it in the manner I never wanted to hear. Trust me I'd love to explain it away, I know that "queer" can just mean weird, and if she'd just said the word in the same tone of voice as the rest of her conversation I might be able to tell myself that was the case here. But her whipsering it meant that she knew she shouldn't be saying it, which means to me that she meant in the way that she knows isn't really ok for her to mean it. It was devistatingly revealling about the character of my boss. It's not even really about the word, it's about what it says about my boss (and the person she said it to if not most of the office.)

While I don't flaunt my dressing or drag performance I've never had to go out of the way to hide who I was, until this. It's really bizarre how one little word can suddenly change the entire vibe of the office for me. I'm well aware that I'd be within my rights to talk to HR about this and say that I was felt uncomfortable, but I doubt I'll do that. I'm not mad at my boss, I'm not out for revenge or want to see her disciplined by Human Resources. I'm saddened and depressed by what this revealed about the person I directly answer to, and I'm now stuck with that for as long as I work there whether I report it not. No amount of formal complaints will restore the comfort level I had before.

So where does this leave me? About a foot deeper in a closet that I never was in before. That's what's most frustrating about all of this, it's a massive step backwards for me. Actually it's more than that, it's not like it's falling back to a level I'd moved past: I NEVER had to deal with this before. I had been fortunate enough to basically skip over all this crap and reach a level of acceptance early on, and now that all feels completely gone. I'm hoping that a good night's sleep and enough time past without hearing anything else like that will help me regain some level of comfort. But until then I'm not looking forward to going to work anymore. Because of one stupid little word. God damn it.

No picture today, just too damned messed up over this.

One Foot in the Closet Part 2

2011-03-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

The last time that I talked about feeling more closeted than I used to it was in relation to living in a small town. Now I'm sad to report that another area of my life is feeling somewhat clamped down on, and that's my job. To put this in some form of context I was never completely out and open at my job in New York. I never came into work in drag nor did I talk about it brazenly with anybody in the office. However some of my co-workers who I considered friends were aware (some even came to see me perform) and that made it feel like I was never hiding anything. That's not the case anymore. There's a few things I think contributing to this closeted feeling as far as my job goes. Again I'm not one to flaunt, because while I have no shame about who I am I also feel that it doesn't define me nor is it really anybody's business. However regardless of whether or not I choose to tell anybody I hate the feeling that I can't. Feeling like the choice just isn't there anymore is what's getting me down at this point.

Photo by my wife Laura.

For the first time I find myself working at a company that actually makes something. So while I work in the office it's attached to the warehouse and the production line. These places are home to much more blue collar type workers than I'm used to being around. I hate to generalize and make it seem like "these people could never get me" but speaking bluntly it's far less likely that they would. It's also more likely that somebody out of the lot would be angered by somebody like me. Even in the office the co-workers in my immediate proximity are a bit more... rural than I'm used to at this point. The kind of folks who say "git-r-done" seriously. Nothing wrong with any of them, and I'm enjoying working there for the most part but it's definitely out of my personal comfort zone at this point. I didn't have this issue at my last job, because even though I never came out to anybody there I had the comfort of the fact that there was a very obviously and very openly gay employee. Just knowing he was there was a relief and kind of took the pressure off my mind. I don't have that cushion now and it gets me down sometimes. I don't expect to be able to prance around my job in a dress. I don't even really want to tell these people. I get along well enough with everybody but they're not the kinds of people I'd become friends with outside of work therefore not the kind of people I'd let into this part of my life. But for the first time I feel like I actually have to truly hide it and keep a lid on it. In New York a fair number of people know, at my last job they didn't but if they found out it wouldn't be a big deal. The idea of people at my current job finding out actually scares me, and that's a new feeling. One that I'm not enjoying. I'm sure some of you will think "Then get a new job." Except that setting this issue aside I like my job, I like the work and the people are pleasant. Besides where I'm living and in the economy we've got going I'm fortunate to have found work at all, so I'm not about to look that gift horse in the mouth. Just wish it's a gift horse I didn't fear was going to throw me off.

Maintenance (aka Shaving)

2011-03-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

For many dressers there's a fairly basic question in regards to how far do they take their commitment to dressing. It really comes down to one thing: to shave or not to shave? Obviously I'm not just talking about the face here. For many dressers who are in the closet it's something they choose not to do for fear of discovery. While this is a genuine concern I think in many ways it's a fear that is a bit overblown for many dressers. I've known more than a few who were convinced that if they ever shaved their legs that everybody would know they cross dressed. In all honesty though I think it's only a concern if it's something you're keeping from a person you're intimate with. Because the general public either isn't going to see your legs at all or even if they do is unlikely to jump to that conclusion. With the popularity of "man-scaping" and the fact that people who are seriously into swimming will body shave it's doubtful that people will spot a many with shaved legs (say at the beach) and think "that guy wears dresses!"

For myself I had started shaving regularly a little bit before I started to go out in public in dress. I had dabbled in shaving while in college but hadn't kept up with it. For myself I know that I'm quite lucky in this department. While my legs and armpits need regular attention I actually have very little body hair to speak of anywhere else. The hair on my arms is not dark and I have almost no chest hair to speak of. There is always the question of whether or not to shave the more private areas and personally I opt not to do that, though basic trimming is something I'd recommend whether you're a crossdresser or not.

Earlier on I used to have a separate lady's razor that I used for my legs. However I've learned more recently that there really is very little difference between a men's face razor and a lady's leg razor (dispite what TV comercials would have you believe.) So now I just use the one razor and it saves me always having to buy two sets of blades, because frankly that stuff isn't cheap. I've also learned that you don't really need any of those shaving creams for women either. I'll grant they help in the early days because it makes it easier to see what's been finished and all that. But once I got the hang of it I found that soap worked just as well (I use Dove so it doesn't dry my legs out the way other brands of soap might do.)

On a random note the thing that I found most surprising about shaving my legs was how cold they got. Part of it was that I first started in winter but seriously you'll be amazed how much warmth that little layer of hair actually gives you, because you definitely notice it once it's gone! I guess that about covers my thoughts on this topic, so until next time.

Fictional Diversion No. 1

2011-03-11T20:52:00.000-08:00

Well, for lack of anything else to put in here I thought I'd try something a little different. In addition to all my other interest I fancy myself a writer, and not just the bloggy kind either. I like to think I can writer fiction. This is a piece I did a few years back that seemed worth putting up here. Don't expect this to become a regular fixture of the blog but hey you never know right?

Girl Meets Girl

The joint was passed around again, dwindling quickly amidst the mix of smoke and laughter. Cindy passed it on to Faye who had to brush her red hair from her face before taking it. Cindy was too far gone at this point to care if anybody noticed that she was staring at the redheaded girl’s lips as Faye took a puff and passed it to her left. Faye had been brought to the party by one of the guys from the suite across the hall. They had exchanged pleasantries earlier in the evening and Cindy kept finding her eyes drawn to Faye’s lips. Ever so slightly plump with a wonderful defined shape, they curled in such a perfect when she smiled. Cindy wasn’t usually one to fixate on mouths but something about Faye’s lips called out to her.

It took a nudge from the boy to her right to make Cindy realize that the joint had made its way around the room again and was back to her. A few people across the circle laughed but Cindy couldn’t be sure if it was at her or at absolutely nothing. She did her best to shrug it off, took another hit and passed it to Faye. Faye smiled that radiant smile as she took a lingering hit that seemed to happen, at least to Cindy’s eye, in slow motion.

The joint made only made it around the room one more time before being rendered completely useless, but by then the desired effect had taken hold of everyone. Conversations continued, though somewhat more meandering than before. Cindy though kept her eyes on Faye, who was doubled over in laughter at something the boy on the other side of her had said. Cindy kept wanting to say something to Faye, in fact she was pretty sure that she even opened her mouth to speak a few times. But she couldn’t seem to form completely coherent thoughts much less words. Cindy’s mind had enough on its plate reminding her to not leave her mouth hanging open and she continued to stare at the fair skinned girl who was little more than a foot away from her.

As time passed, one by one the various occupants of the smoke room started to disperse. They would stand somewhat awkwardly and wander off in search of further entertainment and distraction elsewhere in the house. Cindy knew that if she didn’t engage Faye in conversation soon she’d lose her to the mindless chatter of the goings on outside of the room.

“Faye...” Cindy heard the name come out of her mouth and she tried to swallow the words back. She wasn’t ready yet, but it was too late. Faye turned to her with an expectant look on her face.

“I… um… how do you know Rob?” Cindy almost cringed as the words escaped her mouth. She’d been reduced to small talk. She might as well give up now. But what happened next surprised her, Faye smiled.

“Well I met him through a friend before he transferred here.”

And so it began, the nearly meaningless small talk. Cindy was delighted to have caught Faye’s attention of was silently cursing herself for having gotten them stuck in such a flighty conversation. But even as Faye continued to talk Cindy was quick to notice that the last of the other occupants had now left the room.

Finally alone together, Cindy leaned in and planted a kiss on Faye’s soft lips, cutting her off in mid-sentence. Faye was surprised at first but quickly let herself fall into the kiss. Cindy parted her lips and she felt Faye do the same. She let the sensation of Faye’s tongue against hers excite and sooth her mind all at once. Cindy had let her hand rest on Faye’s knee and now started to slide that hand upwards.

Faye pulled away from the kiss. “Wait,” she protested but in one smooth motion Cindy’s hand slid up under her skirt and along her bare thigh, reaching Faye’s crotch.

Cindy’s hand stopped dead and she pulled it away quickly, as if she’d just received an electric shock. “Oh… oh my,” was all she could manage to say.

Faye’s face went flush and she clumsily smoothed out the skirt, doing anything not to look at Cindy’s face. “I’m so sorry. I… I should have said something before… but we just seemed to be getting along so well… I just… I’m sorry.”

“No it’s ok… I mean I was just… caught off guard I guess.” Cindy tucked a bit of her hair behind her ear, avoiding Faye’s eyes just as actively as Faye had been avoiding hers.

There was a pause that felt nearly interminable before Faye finally lifted her head up to look at Cindy again. The previously bold brunette now seemed shy and embarrassed, looking down into her own lap.

“Look I can go,” Faye started to look around for where she had set her purse. Cindy’s hand shot up and went to Faye’s shoulder, keeping her from standing up.

“No it’s alright… I just… I just need a few minutes, if that’s ok… I need to sort of… collect myself.”

There were several more minutes of the two of them just sitting on the sofa, not speaking, barely looking at each other. For lack of anything else to say Cindy’s mouth took over without the full consent of her brain. “So how long have you been…?”

“Ever since I was little… I’ve been living like this pretty much full time since I graduated high school.” As awkward as this conversation seemed, both of them felt some relief. It was clearly better than the silence that had preceded it.

“So do you plan to fully…?”

“I honestly don’t know yet… I might. Probably I guess,” Faye said with a shrug. The two of them had finally met each others gaze again. There was another pause, and Cindy was afraid she wouldn’t know how to break it this time. Thankfully Faye took it in turn to speak. “I suppose if you’d known you wouldn’t have kissed me.”

“Maybe if I’d known before I wouldn’t have…” Cindy let the honesty of that statement linger in the air for a moment before. Faye was now looking down at her own lap, somewhat embarrassed to have heard the Cindy’s response.

Cindy placed her hand under Faye’s chin and brought the soft skinned girl’s face up to meet her own. Cindy smiled and said “But I’m glad I didn’t know, because I wouldn’t miss a kiss like that for the world.”

A look of elated surprise spread across Faye’s face and she opened her mouth to speak but never got the chance. Cindy’s lips were once again on hers and this time they would barely ever break contact for the remainder of the night.

The Early Days

2011-03-04T04:28:00.000-08:00

Ugh... I'm really sorry that I've been neglecting this blog. Part of the problem is that I just get writer's block for what to talk about. Never been great at just talking about nothing, which makes me a bad blogger. But anyways I thought I might reflect on how I got started with dressing. I was putting this one off because there was a specific picture I wanted to scan and use for it that I haven't gotten from my mother yet... but whatever. Another time.

A random shot of my nightstand because... well why the hell not?

I always enjoyed playing dress up, and did so rather indiscriminately as to whether I would dress in boy or girl clothes. For me it was just fun to put on different outfits. When I was around 10 or 11 is when things started to take a bit of a shift. That was the point that I started very deliberately dressing like a girl. I did this completely in private, owing to the fact that I was the son of a single mother who worked full time so I usually had a bit of time between when I got home from school and when she got home. Not to mention that since she was a nurse she had to work weekends every now and then.

At this age, right on the cusp of puberty I would put on feminine clothes and look at myself in the mirror quite a lot. The thing is though at first I was basically looking at myself from the waist down only. Mentally I was cutting out my head and looking at the smooth body in girly things in the mirror. I basically was imagining that I was looking at a girl and we were alone together. I'm not entirely sure at what point this changed but eventually I started to actually see myself as that girl, rather than trying to trick my head into seeing somebody else. It wasn't any kind of sudden revelation, and I didn't think much of it at the time.

I sometimes wonder how things would have progressed if I'd maintained the level of privacy I'd become accustomed to. However my mother got married to a man with several kids of his own and I suddenly found myself no longer having time in the house where I was truly alone. I never had to give up my room, but I wasn't about to dress up in a situation where I thought I would get caught. I didn't really have any inherent shame in what I was doing, it just seemed like a hassle to have to explain it if anybody saw me doing it. So I essentially stopped at that point. It wouldn't be until college that I would start to get back into dressing again. And not surprisingly it wouldn't really flourish until I had a single room and no roommate.

Well I guess that's all for now, I wonder sometimes how many dressers really have much solid memory of why they dressed in their early days. It seems that most of them just have vague memories of putting on dresses and feeling pretty. But in any case, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Until next time.

A Belle Without a Ball

2011-02-13T11:06:00.001-08:00

So I had a bit of an odd night last night. What was supposed to happen was that I was going to go to the Drag Ball over in Burlington. I'd already gotten my ticket and had decided on an outfit to match the 1970s theme of the night. Halfway through getting ready I came to the conclusion that I wasn't actually going to go to the ball, and I ended up staying home. It was an odd conclusion for me to come to, because I haven't gone out in dress since VT Pride, way back in July. While I did miss going out, something just didn't feel right.

I realized that for what I was going through, it wasn't going to be worth it. There were basically a number of things that piled up to lead me to this conclusion. First there was the drive, two hours there and two hours back. It's a drive I've done before (same drive I made to get to VT Pride) but for a commute that long (plus driving back at night, which I hate doing) it has to be worth it. Then there was the event itself. I noted a few days before that while it's called a Ball, which implies sort of a social dancing type event it was actually heavily booked with performers. This probably meant that I'd be standing or sitting around watching other performers so their thing. I don't mind seeing other performers but I knew it was going to make me miss the stage, rather severely. Add on the fact that I didn't know anybody who was going to be there and it just didn't seem worth it. Driving two hours there to see other people do the thing that I wish I was doing while not knowing anybody and then having to drive two hours back. Yeah, so I stayed home.

Photo by my wife Laura

I wasn't depressed over the fact that I opted to stay home, more annoyed. I actually realized that I never was all that excited about the Ball to begin with, probably mostly because I wasn't going to perform in it. What I should have done when I heard about it was contact the organizers to see if there was a performance opening, like I had done with Pride. What I miss mostly about going out is what I used to do in New York, which was perform. So while going out in dress is inherently fun, that's not what I'm really missing right now. So I need to start jumping on the few opportunities that there are around here. I made up for not going out last night with a little photo shoot in the house this morning. The picture above is a sample image, the rest are going up on my flickr page over the next few days.

What's in a Name?

2011-02-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

They say a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But would a dresser by any other name be as feminine? One of the first things any dresser who wishes to be seen (be it online or in public) has to do is figure out what they're going to be called. It's not as easy as you'd think, and I suspect that most dressers go through several names before they settle on one for good.

For myself I was an online dresser for few years before I started going out in public. During that time I would change my name almost every month, though I'd tend to come back to some of the same ones from time to time. When I got to the point that I felt I was ready to start going out I knew that I'd have to pick one and stick with it. One of the first ones that most dressers consider is the feminized version of their given male name, Danielle for Daniel is an easy example. That was something I considered for a time but ultimately it wasn't a viable option. You see the feminized version of my given name is the same as my wife's sister's name. We were dating around that time and she was well aware of what I was going through and was very supportive. However having me use the same name as her sister was just a touch too weird for her.

Photo by Melina Malice

Ultimately that was a good thing for me I feel, because for how I've come to approach and balance dressing in my life it helps to have a feminine name that bares no direct relationship to my given name. I've opted to keep my masculine life and my feminine life fairly distinct and seperate, so having a name that bleeds over into both areas probably would have made it more difficult to arrive at that balance. Of course not all dressers are as compartmentalized as I am and a name that is close to their given name, or a name that works for either gender which could be used all the time (like Alex or Chris,) might work very well for others.

Basically what I ended up doing in my case was literally sitting down and making a list, my wife also gave her thoughts and opinions on what I came up with. I'm still not entirely sure at how I settled on Vera. I know it turned up on the list because the Pink Floyd song "Vera Lynn" was running through my head at the time. Something about it just worked for me I guess, it was a name that felt unique yet wasn't bizarre. I had never met anybody named Vera, and neither had my wife, and that kind of helped. It was old fashioned yet didn't feel all that dated.

Wylde as a last name came a bit easier. I knew that I had an interest in actually performing on stage in drag, so I wanted a name that could function as both a viable stage name but also would work as an everyday name. Drag performers either tend to have campy over the top jokey names (Hedda Letuce and Mimi Imfurst for example) or rather ordinary ones (which usually comes from people who created a female persona first and then took it to the stage sometime later.) My aim was the land somewhere in the middle of that, not sure if I quite made it but I'm very happy with what I ended up with.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 3

2011-01-29T20:15:00.000-08:00

So "RuPaul's Drag Race" started its third season earlier this week. I had it recorded on the DVR but hadn't gotten around to watching it until earlier today. I'm a fan of the show but I don't think I'd ever seriously try to get on it. For myself I really don't know enough about making clothes, plus I don't really feel at home amongst drag queens. I know that might sound weird but in my time as a performer I became much more a part of the burlesque scene, and I really appreciated the more welcoming vibe of that scene. Drag queens tend to be... well frankly the tend to be bitchy. The problem is that most of them can't leave the diva attitude on the stage, so it spills over to the backstage and into their general attitude. Get too many divas in a room and nothing but drama will ensue. This makes for great TV of course, but not something I personally want to have to deal with.

There's some things I'm excited for this season. First there's three full bodied queens in the running. There's been one bigger queen in each of the previous seasons but they were cut the first and second week respectively. I'm not saying those particular queens from the first two seasons didn't deserve to be cut but it did feel like bigger girls weren't being well represented. Some of the best drag queens I've ever seen are larger girls and it's nice to see them get their due. Actually speaking of drag queens I know there were a few of them featured in the casting special before the first episode aired. While I wish they would have gotten in it made me smile to see them on the screen if only briefly.

The other thing I liked in the first episode was RuPaul pointing out to a rather distraught Mimi Imfurst that she can put together an outfit without knowing how to sew (thank god for hot glue.) This was just nice for me to see because the second season especially felt almost like more of a fashion design show than a drag show. I know the outfits are a huge part of it and knowing how to make your own gives it that personal touch, but making it look like you're not a real queen if you can't make a runway worthy dress out of scraps kind of ticked me off. The design work is still a big part and it always will be I suppose but it was nice to see it spelled out that not all the girls are awesome seamstresses and some just fake it until they make it.

I am a little concerned about the bitchiness level of some of the queens. I can appreciate a decent dose of reality drama but if things get too bitchy it just makes me want to tune out. The first season really had a great balance of clashing personalities but also a sense of family backstage. The second season saw a bit more of the diva crap going on and things got a little bit more back-stabby. My first impressions of the new cast are a little iffy to be honest, however I'm happy to say that one of the two queens who struck me as the bitchiest was cut in the first episode. So hopefully that'll bring the drama down to manageable proportions.

I may or may not post my thoughts on the show as it goes along but I suspect I'll probably let it be until the last episode then I might give a little wrap up piece.

Gender is Overrated

2011-01-26T11:41:00.000-08:00

It hadn't come up in a while but I recently received a communication from somebody who seemed very eager to peg as a woman in a man's body. It actually caused me to realize that I don't think I've ever directly addressed the issue of gender identity here. The closest I came was in my entry about labels, but since my point was how I didn't really fit into most labels used to describe dressers it didn't really address this question of gender.

Man, woman... why should I have to choose?

So what am I? Am I a man who dresses as a woman? Am I a woman who was born as a man? Am I something that is neither one gender or the other? Ugh... gives a headache just trying to nail this stuff down. This was the sort of question that actually really haunted me for quite a while. I just feel that those who have a certain amount of gender ambiguity have even less guidance than those with questions about their sexual preference (though I suspect I'm going to tackle that in another post.) There was a time when I honestly thought that I might be a transexual and that I might need SRS (sexual reassignment surgery.) Thankfully with a little support from a few very close people I came to realize that wasn't what I was or what I needed. But I thought it might be because it seemed like the only logical conclusion based of the very limited information I had at the time. It seemed to me that a guy who dresses as a woman and isn't doing it for sexual kicks must want to be fully transformed into a woman. It didn't occur to me that there was middle ground. Society has to a certain extent come to terms with people who have full on sex changes, however there's so little said or acknowledged about all the gray area in between living as your gender of birth and getting a sex change.

Well I know I'm not androgynous. While I actually tend to be in a bit of awe of people who pull this off I know it's not me, when I'm dressed as a woman I'm quite feminine and when I'm dressed as a guy I'm more masculine (though I hesitate to say manly.) The two don't really bleed over into each other, there's a pretty clear distinction. What's more I seem to be one of the few dressers I've met who's equally at home as either gender. I feel that I have both a feminine and masculine side that are each defined enough that they have their own personality. It's not literally a split personality but I know that being dressed as a woman brings out aspects of myself that are dormant otherwise (flirtiness, extroversion, etc.) I don't feel any more or less "me" as a man or woman, it's just a change of emphasis.

I feel this has gotten a little bit ramblish so I'm going to wrap it up for the day and end by sharing a video. This is a performance I did that is one of my own personal favorites because it plays with the notions of gender much more than anything else I've done. Enjoy and be true to yourselves, whatever that means for you.

How to Mark the Occassion

2011-01-12T19:16:00.000-08:00

I'm coming to realization that I'm rapidly approaching 1,000,000 views on my Flickr photostream. This really feels like something that I should do something for. Something to mark the occassion. The problem is that I'm absolutely stuck for what to do. I'd hate to do something as generic as just adding text to a picture saying "1,000,000 Views!" or some such crap. Guess I'm just not great at these kinds of ideas.

I've considered putting out the call to my contacts on Flickr and Facebook for suggestions. Frankly it's something I'm hesitant to do because I have a strong feeling I'm going to be flooded with requests to go full nude or otherwise indulge in somebody's fetish. Then again amongst all that there might just be a suggestion that's worth doing... well we'll see if I get that desperate or not.

In other news I just want to vent quickly about how much I want to punch our old neighbors from NYC. Recently our mail forwarding stopped which means that some junk mail and solicitations probably turned up at the old address. Well one of our neighbors took it upon themselves to use the info they found in those to open up several credit accounts in my wife's name. We know it's them because they were stupid enough to list their address and give their real name as an assigned "authorized user." Thankfully Laura was able to get in touch with everybody and make clear that these were not initiated by her and we've filed a police report. We seem to have caught it early enough that it shouldn't impact her credit (thank god we closed on the house before this crap started.) I just wish I could be there when the cops knock on their door with a warrant. Fuckers.

Happy New Year 2011!

2011-01-01T15:52:00.000-08:00

Care to share some champagne with me to ring in the New Year?

Well 2010 was a bit of a roller coaster it has to be said. I lost my job (twice) and left New York. Laura and I have now have relocated to the part of the country we plan to remain in but haven't really completely settled in yet. We have a house but only after jumping through more twisted hoops than we even knew existed. We've started making new friends but are still finding our footing as far as having a social life goes. However for all the annoyances we suffered through at the end of it all it's been a pretty possitive year. And hopefully it's laid the foundation of a prosperous 2011.

Generally I don't do resolutions (not formally anyways) but there are a few things I hope to achieve or change in the coming year. For starters I have GOT to get a work out routine and stick to it. I refuse to be forced to loosen by corset anymore than it already it. Secondly I want to try to find some more opportunities to perform or at least go out in dress. Since leaving New York I've done a few shoots but only performed twice (once at VT Pride and once on a return visit to Brooklyn.) I know that performance opportunities up here are few and far between, and I'll probably have to commute a ways for them. However I just don't want to feel like this part of my life ended because I moved. I hope to get over to Burlington for a Drag Ball in February and I might try to advertise my services as a performer for private events like birthdays or bachelorette parties. I haven't done private parties in a long time but they can be fun (they can also be nightmares but what can you do?) If I'm not able to get out more I suspect I'll probably just end up doing more home shoots as a way to vent (that's not a resolution, just a general statement.) Well anyways I hope everybody had a great New Year's Eve and Day. May 2011 bring you wonderful things!

Now who wants to pop the cork?

Speedy Holiday Wishes

2010-12-21T10:47:00.000-08:00

Photo by my wife Laura

I had planned something longer and more involved for this update but honestly (and I mean this in the best way possible) I had better things to do. It's our first Christmas in our own house and it's also the first Christmas where we haven't been running around to see either my or my wife's family. This is truly when we get to start setting the holiday traditions that we'll be keeping for years down the road, so I was not about to stop in the middle of this holiday revelry and say "give me an hour to make suggestions about what to give a tranny for Christmas." Maybe next year.

Anyways I want to be sure to wish anybody and everybody who actually reads this thing a Merry Christmas, a belated Happy Hanukkah and a Joyful Solstice. And if you don't celebrate any of those... well at least try to have yourself a Happy New Year. I'll be downing a whole bottle of champagne and with a little luck the rest of that night will be a blur of debauchery. See you next year!

Home Ownership and First Time in LA

2010-12-11T20:24:00.000-08:00

Welcome to our home!

Well it's FINALLY over, Laura and I are now happily in debt for the next 30 years so that we can be home owners. Actually it's been official for a few weeks now, but we haven't had the chance to move into the house yet because there's renovation work that needs to be finished before we can live in it. However that should be finished enough for us to move in next weekend. Needless to say we're extremely excited. The process has been nothing short of a nightmare but it finally did have the desired outcome.

In other news, a friend's wedding in California afforded me my very first trip to Los Angeles. I've been to California a number of times in my life, much of my family lives up in the northern part of the state. However I'd never had occassion to venture down into southern California before now. I honestly wasn't sure that I was going to like it. Four years in New York kind of burned me out on cities in general for the time being and I had never really had much desire to go to LA before. Sure I'm a movie nut and there's that aspect to it but the city never really held any appeal to me as a visitor or tourist.

Well I have to say I was quite pleasantly surprised. LA turned out to be a much more worthwhile place to visit than I would have thought. Since we only had a couple of days in LA itself before heading further south for the wedding we did the most generic tourist things. We drove on Mullholand Dr and saw houses that probably have minimum down payments that are more than our entire new house cost. We walked along Hollywood Blvd and Laura got to walk the same beat as Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" (from Fred Astaire to Ella Fitzgerald for those who don't know.) We went to Grauman's Chinese Theater and I found out I have the same size hands as Humphry Bogart (though I'm sure I look much better in a dress.) We went to Venice Beach and a few other places, having a pretty good time overall.

A few general thoughts about LA. I know I could never live there because I quickly found myself having love/hate issues with many aspects of the city. For example I think it is a city where you really look just about any way you want and get away with it. When we went to lunch at a restaurant we were seated by a guy with multiple facial piercings, hair that was bleach blond on one side and black on the other and had a green contact in one eye and a blue contact in the other. He was trying to hard obviously but the fact that he could get away with that is awesome. At the same time I think probably the fastest way to get an inferiority complex about how you look would be to move to LA. I thought it was bad in New York but the emphasis on body image over there is insane. It's all encompassing and yet somehow intangible, it's just a vibe the whole place has. The fact that anybody who wasn't shopping seemed to be jogging might have been part of it.

"California: bordering always on the Pacific and sometimes on the ridiculous." - George Carlin

Another odd mixed aspect to LA is it's general attitude towards the seedier sides of life. Take Hollywood Blvd, only a few blocks down from the major tourist traps (and right near most of the parking) are porn and fetish clothing stores. No secrets, right there for all to see. Sure New York had them too but they were more hidden away, kept to the less reputable streets. LA by contrast wears it's sleaze on it's arm, which I kind of admire. However this open acceptance of what some consider "daker" sides of humanity has a flip side. Namely I saw more obvious drug addicts in two days in LA than I saw in four years living in New York. In a way it felt worse that the problem was right there for all to see rather than being hidden away, especially since Los Angelinos are clearly so good at ignoring this particular problem.

All that said it was a fun place to visit and I do hope to get another chance to go there and maybe spend a little more time. Actually California in general is a place I'd like to spend more time in, and I probably would if flying wasn't both expensive and a big pain in the ass. Oh well, that's it for now. I'm not sure when I'll get another update since I'll be occupied with moving things and then the holidays, but we'll see.

One Foot in the Closet

2010-11-26T18:55:00.001-08:00

Lately I've been finding myself with a slightly odd feeling... and I'm starting to realize that in some ways the life I'm leading now is the closest I've ever been to being in the closet. The annoying thing is that I know it's really just all in my own head and there's nothing being done to me by anybody to oppress or repress me. Yet the feeling lingers.

Mainly the issue just has to do with living in a small town. When we were in New York I could be safely be pretty out with who I am. Granted I avoided going out the front door in dress just due to our immediate neighborhood, but other than that I didn't really care who saw me or what they thought. However that mentality doesn't work in a small town, gossip spreads quickly. While in the big city you're likely to never see the same people again just walking around. In a smaller town you're going to keep running into the same people over and over... and they tend to remember that time you were wearing 4" heels.

Undercover Tranny! Photo by Millie Acosta

The feeling of being semi-closeted has been creeping in over the past few months. There's a couple of factors I feel. The first is how few people know about this side of my life. There's Laura of course, my mother... and that's pretty much it. Some of my long time friends know but not the ones who live around here (as they mostly fall into the "lost touch and maybe will reconnect" category of friend.) So when somebody who I either have only gotten to know since moving back or I just haven't been seen in a long and can't gauge a reaction asks me what I did in New York I'm forced to censor myself. There's a whole chunk of my life New York that I don't get to share because I can't be sure how people will take it. Whereas in New York if they didn't like it they could screw off, here there just aren't enough people to get away with that attitude (at least not until I'm more settled in.) And in truth a big part of getting people to accept this side of me is to make sure that they get to know me in a more general sense, so that the fact that I'm a drag queen doesn't become what defines me to them.

I still feel no shame at all for who I am but for the sake of making day to day life easier it just doesn't make sense to be as out as I was in New York. It's actually part of the overall Vermont mentality. In reality even if it gets around that I crossdress (and eventually it probably will) nobody is really going to care so long as I'm not walking down mainstreet. I live in a state which is populated by a fairly even mix of rednecks who've been here forever and the hippies who started coming up in the 1960s. The two generally don't get along in most settings but they do ok here by adopting a general attitude of "as long as it's in your own house I don't really give a damn who you do."

Photo by Millie Acosta

I'm not really living my life any differently. I still dress at home from time to time. I still get out to dress every now and then. Yes my location has changed but I really do think that I've developed a mental block that's making me feel more repressed than I actually am (which I'm really not repressed at all.) I think it'll help some when Laura and I finally close on this house and have a place that is truly our own. I'm so done with shared space.

It Gets Better

2010-11-19T06:46:00.000-08:00

There's obviously been a great deal of attention in the news about the suicides of bullied teenagers. I wanted to contribute in my own way to the cause and share my own experiences. Because it does get better.

I debated myeslf for a while on whether or not I'd made a video like this. For a while I told myself that there were so many others making these videos that they didn't really need my story. But the more I thought about it it occured to me that perhaps my story might reach somebody who isn't connecting to the other videos out there. I think the reality is that I was just scared to open up and it was something I needed to get over and just do this. There's the chance this could really help somebody. And even if it doesn't another voice in the mix of people trying to help isn't a bad thing.

When it Rains it Pours... and You Get Struck by Lightning

2010-11-17T14:31:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to do weekly updates on this thing and I've fallen a bit behind. While I don't normally like to make excuses, there has been plenty of reason for that. I told myself when I started this blog I wanted to avoid it me just relaying day to day crap. I feel very strongly that my daily life is dull as hell 90% of the time. That's not a complaint, it's just a fact. I go to work, I come home, I watch tv with my wife, I go to sleep. That's my day most of the time. I also prefer not to use this blog as a place to bitch and moan unless I feel I have a point to make. Well forgive me but this will be a bit of a bitch session, but at this point I need it.

Lately it just feels like an inordinant amount of shit has gone wrong. Not irrevocably wrong, all of it is manageable but all of it happening at once just hasn't been a fun few weeks. Followers of this blog might remember that my wife and I have been working on buying a house, well we're still trying to get it closed. That in and of itself has been an on going headache, seriously trying to get everything that's needed in place is like having a second job (well first job now, but more on that later.)

Photo by Laura

Part of the headache is that because we're buying a foreclosed house the company that owns it puts all kinds condensed timelines and potential penalties in place just because they can. The big one is that if we miss our closing date (which is in less than a week) they will charge us $100 a day. Obviously we've been working our asses off to get finished by the closing date, but there's been an odd delay because of our plumber. A little context: we're getting home improvement costs built into our loan so we have a contractor and a plumper lined up. The plumper was brought in seperate from the general contractor because he came recommended by our realtor. He gave us a quote and everything we needed, he just had to fax a copy of his plumbing liscense to the bank giving us the loan so they could validate him. Well he never did, which seemed odd but whatever so I called him and left him a message asking him to do that. And so did the realtor. And it didn't happen. It never happened. After a week of messages. Well with the deadline coming up we said screw it and got a plumper through our general contractor and now we think we know why he never called back. He underbid the job by about $2000, and probably panicked when he realized that. So now we're lined up with a new plumber through the general contractor and just hoping to have everything sorted out by closing. If we do end up incurring charges for missing the closing I plan to take the first plumper to court because the only reason we're running late is that we were waiting for him.

Yesterday at my job everybody was called into an unexpected meeting. We were told that the office was being closed down effective immediately, peace out and good luck. Maybe not those words but that was the gyst of it. There was a bit of crying in the office from many of the full time permanent employees. Now it makes sense that they were dragging their feet on transitioning me from temp to perm even after six months: permanent works get severance and temps just get sent back to their placement agencies. This one is more a nuasance than anything else, and thankfully not as derailing as job loss can be. Because our lending officer working on our home loan knew my job was still technically a temp position my income was never factored in when our loan terms were set up. So thankfully this doesn't affect the purchase of the house. It does put me back on umemployment and back on the job hunt. Work isn't exactly plentiful around here, and with the office shut down there's now 50 other people with similar qualifications and experience to me also looking for jobs.

And to round out the week I hit a deer coming back from the cast party with Laura on Sunday. I've never hit a deer before and when people say that at night they come out of nowhere it is not an exaggeration. While I'm very grateful that neither myself or Laura were hurt and the car sustained minimal damage it still shook me up rather badly. To see a deer bounce off the front fender of your car is frankly a little traumatic. And I use the word bounce literally, the deer flew off onto the side of the road in a way that was almost cartoonish... which somehow made it more horrifying.

I'm hoping that the rule of three applies and that this week will basically fill my bad shit quota for a while. Sorry this turned into a "poor me" mope-fest but sometimes you just have to get it out. Hopefully something a little more cheery next time around.

Can LGBT Have Too Much Pride?

2010-11-09T05:36:00.000-08:00

So elections are over (thank God!) and while I'm no longer living in New York I'm very grateful that Carl Paladino was crushed in the election. Now for anybody who wasn't following this, Paladino said more than a few not very nice things about gay and alternate life styles. The man is a bigot clearly, but some of the things he said also got me thinking. Now I have to be really careful with how I word this, because if I say it wrong I'm going to get my ass kicked. I might anyways actually but I think this needs to be said.

At this point I believe that the LGBT community is causing some of it's own problems in regards to how we are perceived by the public. It's a thought I've had in the past but it's been sparked again by Paladino. In his attempts to justify his decrying of gays he cited over and over again an experience his family had in Montreal. Apparently he was on vacation there with his family during that city's Gay Pride. To use his words they "went around a corner and there were all these guys in thongs grinding on each other." Now that man is a bigot, and regardless of what he saw or says it should be used to justify his bigotry. However at the same time I think it highlights a big problem, which is how the public perceives the LGBT community.

There is a very high percentage of people in this country who don't know (or at least aren't aware that they know) somebody who is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered. This means that their perception of the members of that community is dictated by news, entertainment and what we ourselves put out there. And if the dominant image of LGBT is gay men in thongs grinding on each other in public, is it really any wonder that so many people are afraid of us? Please understand, I'm not knocking pride. I think the feeling of pride and all of the Pride events that take place across the country are very important. The problem is that middle America does not understand that it's like our Halloween, or our Mardi Gras, or our Las Vegas. Basically it doesn't count: it's when we really go nuts because we can. But 99% of the time we're not in ass-less chaps groping each other on Main Street, and that's what people like Paladino need to be made to understand. Until they get that when we're not at Pride events that we're just like everybody else they're going to continue to fear us. Some people always will but there are those out there who only see these aggressive in -your-face antics and then is it any wonder that they start to think we're recruiting their children?

It feels to me like the LGBT community is in a similar place to where the black community was in the 1970s. It's true that there was certainly a rise in the appearance of blacks in film and on television but they were playing walking stereotypes. There couldn't just be a black character, they had to come from the ghetto and/or be a pimp with their own funk soundtrack. I feel like we're in the same place where there are more gay character in film and television than ever before. However they're there to just be stereotypically gay, basically it's gay-sploitation. What's more we're doing it ourselves. LOGO TV may be the worst offender with shows like The A-list just cashing in on the most shallow and stereotypical amongst us.

I realize it may sound like I'm picking on gay men. It's not my intention but it's clear that they are the most visible part of the LGBT community, which also is part of the problem. Lesbians are represented in pop culture primarily by The L Word (which as a premium show wasn't seen by that many people) and Ellen Degeneres. Bisexuals are undermined even within the community and in pop culture have had to make due with people like Tila Tequila, clearly a damaging image to have out there. Trangendered people are almost totally ignored in pop culture aside from the occassional cheap cross-dressing joke on a random sit-com. Drag queens are out there but in truth most of them fit more into the mold of gay man than truly transgendered. Actually backing up Ellen again I really feel that she is more of what is needed right now. She does not hide her sexuality however it is not needlessly flaunted either. She is a very funny person with a fun daytime show who happens to also be a lesbian. Being gay is not her defining characteristic, it's just one part of a whole person. That is the image that needs to get out there more, that our sexuality or gender identity is not what we use to define who we are.

I'm not saying there is no place for these more overtly "gay" shows or movies (I'm still a sucker for RuPaul's Drag Race) but the problem is that they are almost the only representation of the LGBT community that many Americans get. There was a time when the most important thing was just to make sure we were known. That was back when we were in the closet (and I do appreciate that some still are) and were suffering in silence. Now we're out, they know that we're here to stay and the need to be in your face about it just isn't there anymore. I think it's time that "We're Here, We're Queer, We're Not Going Anywhere" were adjusted to a less confrontational form. Perhaps "We're Here, We're Queer and We're Just Trying to Live in Peace." I know it doesn't chant as well but until it can be shown and understood that not all gay men are grinding on each other in front of families on vacation then we're going to keep getting people like Paladino on the ballot.

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-29T14:25:00.000-07:00

If there's anything that comes close to a true cross-dresser's holiday it's Halloween. It's the one time of year you can dress basically however you want and it's perfectly ok. Granted if you're in the closet and dress as the opposite gender every year friends might start to wonder but aside from that all bets are off and all looks are welcome. I have to admit that before coming out I wasn't one to use Halloween as a cross-dress day but I know plenty of other dressers who did. For myself I use Halloween as an excuse to break out the costume items that just don't get much use. Let's be honest unless I have a performance number making use of it I don't have much opportunity for things like nurse outfits, maid uniforms, or saloon dancer dresses. Yet I own all of these things. So I have to wear them sometime!

Let's be honest, costumes are just fun! For me I've always been partial to the darker side of things. Not necessarily gory, just macabre. Dark colors, images of death, etc, etc. I guess it's when my inner goth comes out to play. I suppose that's why when I actually did do a Halloween number as a nurse it had to be horrific and twisted BDSM version of a nurse.

This year I went for something a bit more home-made. I ordered a new shirt and a "utility" belt of sorts" but the rest is all stuff I already had. The results: instant Vampire Slayer! It had been my original hope to make use of my chain-mail shirt (yes I own a real chain-mail shirt) but it made me look like a line-backer. Definitely not what I was going for. It did mean though that I got to make use of my weapon's collection which definitely deserves a bit more play that it gets.

Photo by Laura. More picture of this outfit can be seen here.

Hope everybody has a great Halloween and gets to dress up as something fun. Even if only for yourself.

It's Not About Sex

2010-10-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

This is something that I feel the need to clarify. Everywhere I've made my presence known (myspace, facebook, flickr, and even in real life) there are men (and it's always men) who approach me like some piece of fuckable meat. I don't mind being flirted with, however I despise being hit on. Yes there is a difference, hitting on a girl is what guys who don't know how to flirt do. I've even been propositioned a few times, which is at first oddly flattering (especially when the offer is high) and then deeply insulting. I know for many dressers out there putting on the closes of the opposite gender is a deeply sexual and sensual experience, a fetish even. I pass no judgement on dressers like that, but it's not me.

Photo by Laura

To be clear I certainly can feel sexy when I'm dressed, and I usually do. I'm deeply narcissistic and I know that, I'd totally do me. That said I'm capable of feeling sexy as a man as well. I do have to admit that feeling sexy as a man and feeling sexy as a woman are distinctly different experiences. But feeling sexy about something doesn't automatically make it a sexual act. I don't dress for the purposes of getting off. And I certainly don't do it to try to get other people off.

I dress because there's a feminine side of my personality that is not properly expressed in my day to day life. I don't consider Vera to be my "true self" and I'm somehow repressing that. That's why I don't consider myself a transexual. I'm perfectly at home in both my male and female personas. I dress as a form of personal, even spiritual, release. I dress so I can take center stage and wow a crowd. I dress for pictures that I can look at later and feel a sense of pride that I can look that good. In short I dress for me. Not for horny men who think I'm some fetishistic ideal.

Photo by Laura

All of this is a rather long winded way of basically saying "No, I have no interest in your penis" to any and all men who send me countless crude messages. I'll take your admiration gladly, even your lust if you can be respectful about it. But keep your body parts and any mention of them to yourself.

Take Me Back to Manhattan (Well.... Brooklyn Actually)

2010-10-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

I had known that I'd get back to New York City at some point to see friends and maybe do a show, and this past weekend that's just what happened. Through a bit of serendipity a wedding in CT that Laura and I were going to was the same weekend as Switch N Play's Open Drag Night. As a former member of the group I was eager for the chance to not only perform but see them and some of the regulars again. It was a perfect opportunity that we couldn't pass up.

From left to right Melina Malice, myself, Max Satisfaction, Manny Mango and K. James. Photo by Laura.

Visiting New York City was a rather surreal experience. I suppose part of what made it weird is that Laura and I haven't really been gone all that long (though it feels like forever.) Driving through our old neighborhood almost nothing had changed... except the supermarket we used to shop at was gone and there was a new liquor story next door to our old apartment building. Guess we dodged a bullet on that one. Overall though driving through the city again was a bit like seeing an old friend... and realizing you never really liked them all that much.

Not to say it wasn't worth it, because it totally was. But that's because of the friends that we got to see again, and had nothing to do with the city itself. We got to have dinner with Syd London and catch up (damn that girl is busy as hell!) After that we had to get all done up to hit Outpost Lounge in Brooklyn for the show. I resurrected my take on Aretha Franklin's "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman" that I'd done for VT Pride (seriously is there a song more custom made for cross-dressers?) Much more exciting though was a brand new number that I did with Laura's drag king persona Vaughn Amore. We'd done a number together before we left the city and it was great to come back and bring down the house again as a team.

Video by Melina Malice

As much fun as performing was the best thing without a doubt was seeing old friends. So to Syd, Bianca, Max, Manny, Kel, Melina, Lola, Minnie, Colin, Maria and everybody else who came out: I miss you guys! And don't worry, I'll be back as soon as the next opportunity arrises. Sadly that probably won't be until next year, what with all the house buying madness and then the holidays baring down. Fear not, I'll make it worth the wait!

Stifling the Youth

2010-10-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

When I went to work I came in on the tail end of a story that a co-worker was telling some of the other people in her office. She was telling them that she had asked her young son (I never did catch his exact age) what he wanted to be for halloween. He had said he wanted to be a witch. His father had asked if he wanted to be a warlock, which is basically a boy who can do magic. The boy apparently made it very clear that he wanted to be a witch, not a warlock, but a witch.

It was a cute story, but it also underlined a problem: paranoid parents. After she'd finished the story she had made it clear that she wasn't going to let him go out as a witch. She didn't say this harshly or even that she was genuinely frightened, but it was still clear from her tone that she was praying this didn't point to something deeper about her son. She laughed it off with her co-workers but I still could sense the apprehension. I'm sure that cross dressing isn't the only area this happens in. I'm sure there are parents that have similar reactions to boys who want to take up ballet or girls who want to take shop class. It's an understandable one really, and it's certainly not meant to cause any harm but it's the kind of reaction that can lead to greater confusion down the line.

Wow... look at that a well adjusted cross dresser with a loving spouse. See parents? It can be ok.

First off, not every little boy who puts on a dress is going to grow up to be a crossdresser. Part of the beauty of children is their innocence and part of what's funny about them is how fickle they are. They can have an interest in something that will die out within a month. To put it another way, all people who live in New York also live in America. But not all people who live in America live in New York. Same thing here: nearly all dressers start dressing young (there are pictures of me at about three years old in a tutu,) but not all children who cross dress at young age continue to do so into adulthood. It's called playing dress up, and it's not only harmless it's also healthy.

I'm sure she meant well as a parent but she's planting the early seeds of shame and embarassment. The notion that what her son wants to do is somehow wrong. Even if she never puts it in those words that's still the intention and it's something that will be instilled for life. It's very important to let kids, especially young ones, dabble freely without judging them. Now if her son still wants to dress as a witch for Halloween at the age of 13 then yes it's time for a talk to better understand him. But until them just let the kid be a damn witch.

Looking Down the Barrel of a Very Packed Month

2010-10-01T07:47:00.001-07:00

One of the things that was appealing about moving to Vermont was the thought of being able to slow down after having spent the last six years in busy cities (Boston and then New York.) Both Laura and I were looking forward to settling down into a more easy going existance in the place where we want to spend the rest of our lives. Well it might be relaxing a bit later but October is shaping up to be one hell of a busy month, though thankfully it's mostly for good reasons.

First off an update on the house hunting. The house we had made an offer on at the time I wrote about this before went to somebody else who made a higher bid. Ultimately both Laura and I feel this was for the best because we found a house we like even more and our offer was just accepted on it. Now it's just a matter of the inspection to make sure it won't fall down in a month and then we just have to close on it. This is extremely exciting, and while it's not ours until after closing this is still a big step. Once the seller accepts our offer they really can't back out and sell to somebody else unless we change our minds (which we're allowed to do based on what the inspection turns up.) We had to jump through even more hoops than I mentioned in my previous rant but it looks like it'll finally all be worth it.

Dressed as a Saloon Gal (one of my three Halloween outfits from last year)

Next up Laura and I will be going to a friend's wedding in CT next weekend. This puts us close enough to New York to be able to make an appearance at the Switch N Play's Octorber 8th Open Drag Night. Switch N Play is a drag troupe out of Brooklyn of which I was a memember while I was living in NYC. I was the only drag queen in the line up as all the other members were drag kings, and I have to say I really miss those guys! So anybody who's in the NYC area can catch me tearing up the stage for old time's sake at the Outpost Lounge in Brooklyn. You know you want to see it! Stopping in Brooklyn also means that Laura and I get to see Syd which is always a great time, plus she'll be shooting the show so expect some hot pictures in the future.

And let's not forget Halloween! Always been a favorite holiday, just because I love to get all dressed up (but you knew that already.) I have a costume that I'm working on getting the last few pieces for, and I'm hesitant to say what it's going to be for fear of jinxing it and not being able to delivery on my plans. Aw hell with it: I'm assembling a Vampire Hunter custome. Not any specific vampire slayer (I'm not trying to be Buffy,) just a more general killer of blood-suckers. I've got most of what I need I just need to fine tune it and pick up some prop items. So fingers crossed that I'm able to pull this off.

Now that we're in October I had to break out this picture! Photo by Art-i-ficial Photography.

Finally to wrap it all up October is also the month of Laura's birthday and our wedding anniversary! Four years of wedded bliss and counting. It may not seem like much but since most divorces happen within the first three years we've already beaten the odds. Not that there was ever any question! Now I just need to figure out what to do for her birthday... which frankly I kind of suck at. Well not totally suck (I've at least gotten better in the gift department) but she's so awesome at planning places to go or things to do and just generally making the whole thing special. Basically she's so much better at birthdays than I am so I kind of suck by comparison. We'll see how I do this time around... wish me luck!

Influences and Inspriations

2010-09-25T22:12:00.000-07:00

When I get strapped for ideas on this blog (which is rather often) I tend to default to answering questions that I'm sometimes asked. FYI if anybody has questions please feel free to ask them either in comments to e-mails, believe me it would help to have more specific things to respond to. Anyways, a question I think most performers get asked from time to time is who their influences and inspirations are. It's a question that I didn't really know how to answer for a while because I didn't latch on to particular influences (for instance I don't do impersonation acts... well except for that one Britney number.) However upon further examination I think I can naile down a couple of things that have helped shape my persona as both a performer and a dresser in general.

Photo by K. Walter

First let me be clear, I never had what I call the "Faye Wray" moment. Anybody who knows The Rocky Horry Picture Show might know what I'm talking about. There is a song in which the transvestite character Frank-n-furter (played brilliantly by Tim Curry) describes that he saw the beauty of classic actress Faye Wray and he wanted to be dressed just the same. I never had that, in fact my initial interest in dressing came in sort of sideways. But that's a story for another entry. My point is that I've never had a specific feminine ideal that I've been shooting for. There is no singer, actress or model that I was ever trying to directly emulate or wanted to be like.

That said there are sprinklings of different influences. Most of the women (real life or fictional) that I feel influenced me aren't the usual drag fare. I can appreciate Liza Minelli, Judy Garland and Marilyn Monroe but I have no desire to be like any of them. I take my influence from women of the more butt-kicking variety. Think Emma Peel, Angelina Jolie, and Princess Leia. I probably have my mother thank for this, she was always big on the women who can dish it out. However there is one influence that has become clear and I certainly can't ignore: Pink.

Video by Laura

I've always loved Pink's music, I've performed to songs by her more than any other artist. Yet I've never gone out of my way to directly emulate her, and I've certainly never done an impression of her in an act. Instead she embodied much of what would end up going into my feminine persona, both on-stage and off. The sense of independence yet the hints of a softer side. The full on kick-ass chick with attitude who still seems like she could just kick back and relax. That was the kind of persona that I've tried to have for myself. In all honesty I'm probably quite a bit girlier than Pink but I still can bring the attitude when I have to.

Now that's probably my biggest influence, as for inspiration... well I actually think I take inspiration mostly from my fellow performers. When I see another performer (drag or otherwise) do really amazing work it inspires and invigorates me to keep doing this and try to step my game up. I especially take inspiration from those younger than me. I'll admit that when I see a young performer who I feel is better than I am there is a part of me that is jealous (I'm looking at you Bianca Dagga!) However that quickly fades and I just get excited at what's being done in with burlesque and drag by the people who will still be doing it after I retire. Anybody with the balls (literal or figurative) to slap on a ludacris outfit and get their ass up on a stage is an inspiration to me, and always will be.

Honestly not sure who took the picture... it was taken with Laura's camera though.

I also have to mention my wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah I can hear the eyes rolling already (yes that's right, I can hear your eyes!) I can hear some readers thinking it's the obligatory wife/girlfriend thank you and I'm only doing this to get in good with her (yeah right, I'm not even sure she reads this thing.) I know it's a sappy cliche but my wife really is a huge influence and inspiration to me. I'm convinced a big reason that most straight dressers stay closeted is that they think they'll never meet a woman who will understand. And in truth many would not understand, however I was lucky enough to find one who not only understood, she supported. Hell she gave me make-up tips back in the early days of Boston and has helped me refine my look over the years. There are even times she'll come home with little surprises for me (thanks for the pink leopard tights baby!) I know how amazingly lucky I am to have a wife as supportive as Laura and I'm inspired by her every day, and for reasons far beyond her support of this side of myself. Yeah so it went a bit sappy there... suck it up, it's my damn blog!

The Pains of Cross Shopping

2010-09-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

A question I sometimes get, usually from other dressers (especially those starting out) is "what's the most agrivating thing about cross dressing?" Oh there are a number of things that are up there on the list: body hair removal, lack of hips, maintaining wigs, etc. But probably the single biggest hurdle for the average cross dresser is clothes shopping. As an added twist for every picture I put up in this post I'll be saying where I bought what I'm wearing. As much fun as shopping can and should be there's a whole litany of reasons that most cross dressers dread it. The biggest problem for most dressers is simply one of fear, cross dresser are usually highly paranoid about being discovered. Even those who don't consider themselves to be closeted can be shaken at the thought of going into a store to buy women's clothes. The funny thing about fear in this situation I've learned is that it's almost totally unfounded. Unless a dresser actually does something to indicate otherwise virtually all sales-people will assume a man buying women's clothes is buying for a wife or girlfriend. Even if they have a slightest incling of the true nature of the shopping trip there's two things that dressers need to remember: 1) Odds of seeing these same sales people ever again is pretty slim in most cases and 2) As long as money is being spent the sales people really don't care who it's for.

Shoes from Steinmart, pants and shirt from Rainbow, hair from Ricky's NYC and Photo by Laura

The fear and annoyance of store shopping results in most dressers doing their shopping online. This only solves the problem of fear in a public setting, but it brings a whole list of other issues. The big one is the problem with all online shopping, especially for clothes: you can never be 100% certain of what you're getting. Pictures can be deceiving, lighting of a photograph can affect how a color looks on the computer, and sizes are even more guess work than usual. Finally returning something that was mailed can be even more of a pain than returning to a store. That said many of my favorite clothing items are online purchases. My beloved platform boots were one of my early online buys. Same goes for my saloon girl skirt, my silver one piece and my breasts. Yes that's right, my tits came by mail. Hand delivered with care. My most recent purchase made online was a t-shirt from Nic Buxom's online store. Sometimes there's just things you find online that can't be found locally. However I would highly advise against any dresser from ordering wigs online. More than any piece of clothing you can buy a wig can look completely different on different people, and you really need to try them on. If there is a wig shop in your area (or a costume store with a decent wig selection) I promise you they've already encountered dressers and will be understanding and respectful.

Shirt from Nic Buxom, corset from Amazon, hair and cuffs from Ricky's NYC, collar from Fetish Flea Market, garters from Tic Tac Toe, lahes from Old Gold and Photo by Laura

Even if or when a cross dresser gets over their shopping fear enough to actually buy a few things that starts a whole new area of issues: understanding the sizes. Men don't understand how good they have it when it comes to clothes sizing. Take pants for instance, men's pants have two measurements: waist and length. In men's pants I'm a 31"x32", that's my size and that's what I look for. It all makes perfect logical sense, and it doesn't change no matter what kind of pants I buy. Women's pants are assigned a completely arbitrary number that isn't even consistent from brand to brand. So in women's pants I'm anywhere from a size 10 to a size 14. Sadly trial and error is really the only way to get it right and even the most daring dresser probably won't take women's things into the changing room at the store. That means dressers have to take it home before they can find out if it fits or not. The one exception to this is in a costume store, where men interested in women's items for themselves doesn't really raise an eyebrow. However dressers who want a more casual look won't find what they want in stores like that.

If there's one thing a cross dresser likes more than a good buy it's free stuff! Dressers and queens love is a good give-away, such as the one Olivia Rouge is currently having. There's nothing better in the world that getting something pretty and sparkly for free! And of course for the timid the "it's for my girlfriend" ploy works even better in this situation, because what guy wouldn't try to get a great looking gift for free?

Shoes from Payless, shorts from Rainbow, shirt and necklace from Steinmart, bracelet from Clair's, hair from Ricky's NYC, Photo by Stacie Joy

In NYC I had gotten to the point where there were a few clothing stores I would make semi-regular stops at. Now being in Vermont I have to start over and honestly be a little more careful. In huge city like New York nobody cares and even if they do you won't see them again. In more rural areas there's a distinct possibility of running into that store clerk on the street or that you might know some of the same people. This means that from now on most of my in-store shopping is going to be done further from home. I'm always sure to stop into Old Gold when I'm in Burlington. I'd done a little shopping at the local Fashion Bug but they went out of business. I was also forutnate enough to have Laura come with me on those trips. Which brings up another thing for dressers. If you have a female friend you're out to bring them along when you shop, it should help get rid of that lingering fear because everybody will assume you're buying for her. I think that's about it for this little ramble. Hopefully folks have found it insightful/helpful/amusing or at least it killed a few minutes that you could have been doing work. I'm so bad for productivity.

Every Queen Needs a Castle

2010-09-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

They say every queen needs a king... for some that may be true but I think what a queen really needs is a castle. Laura and I have been working for the last few weeks on claiming a castle for our very own, not by the traditional siege, sack and pillage method but rather the hard way: with a home loan. I just have one question... why doesn't anybody ever tell you how stupidly complicated it is to buy a house? I suppose maybe if more people knew what a convoluted headache it is they wouldn't even bother starting the process.

Photo by Laura

Well let me be the first to tell you this is insane! It's not like buying anything else. You may think you have an idea but you really don't. Even buying other things on credit or with a loan like a car isn't even close to this. Before you even start considering looking at houses you need to go to a bank and get a loan pre-approval to find out how much money you can actually get for a home loan. After filling out a small mountain of paperwork this can take about to week to even hear back about. Then you can start looking at houses, which is it's own kind of insanity. Houses can look great in pictures, and when you go there you find out that it was photographed from the one angle that looks good or that it ends up being much smaller than it looks. Others are on great pieces of land but the houses themselves are nothing you'd want to live in. And then there are the ones that are very nice but you come to realize they're not nice enough for the neighborhood that you'd be stuck in. A good thing to remember, if there's anything wrong with the house itself, that can be fixed. You can't fix where it is.

If you're lucky enough to find a house you like in a location you can live with that is in your price range that's when the REAL nightmare starts. Anybody who thinks they can do this alone needs to just check into a nut house right now. GET AN AGENT! Somebody who knows what the heck is going on and will hold your hand through the process is worth their weight in gold. So then comes the even bigger mountain of paperwork and the initial offer. Unless you're made of money you're going to offer less than the asking price. Then the negotiations happen to actually settle on a price the seller will agree to. Oh and as a fun little item to nag at your paranoia, at a time up to this point another buyer can swoop in with a better offer or cash in hand and snatch the house out from under you.

Photo by Laura

If the seller accepts your offer it's still not over. Next comes the inspection. Then possible re-negotiations based off what the home inspection reveals. Then the massive slog of closing which involves a small army of bankers, realtors and lawyers who wrap everything up in red tape. All so you can sink into the single biggest debt of your life. Why do we have to jump through all these hoops just to go into debt? Just take my money please! For the record Laura and I have made an initial offer and are waiting to hear back about that. That really is all the worst part. The waiting, the down time between each one of these steps really drives you crazy. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

The Joys of Googling Yourself

2010-09-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

It's amazing the things you find when you randomly google yourself. My treat tonight was to come across a little 14 minute documentary about burlesque that I gave an interview for way back in November. I hadn't completely forgotten about it but I sort of gave up ever getting to see it as I had lost touch with the film students who did it. But then a random google search of "Vera Wylde" (because I was bored... and yes I'm a little conceited) turned up a video I hadn't seen before. And surprise! It came out pretty well altogether and I'd like to share it with all of you. Listen to me wax intellectual about taking my clothes off on stage!

For the impatient types I show up at the 7:15 mark. Also as fair warning I'm not in full drag for a good chunk of this so if seeing me in semi-boy mode ruins the illusion for you then maybe you should just move along. Also see my good friend Bianca Dagga performing at 6:10 (I'm always so proud of her!) Oh and stick around for a little outtake moment at the very end!

Dancing Burlesque from Joseph Turner on Vimeo.

Just to Fill A Little Space

2010-08-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

I'll be blunt... this entry is filler. I figure it's extremely important for me to make this blog a weekly thing (at the very least) otherwise it'll just end up fading away just like every other time that I've tried my hand at this. So what do you talk about when you nothing to talk about? Yeah well I kind of suck at that. I'm not a good blogger in general because I censor myself too much. Good blogging seems to be about just letting whatever's on your mind flow free. I don't think people have any interest in my idle thoughts so if there sin't much going on I dont' have much to say.

So with that in mind I thought I'd share a couple of images for the heck of it. Folks might have noticed that I usually say under the picture who the photographer is... and there's just blank space under these ones. Well that's because each is from my earlier days of modeling and performing when I wasn't keeping a great record of who was taking pictures of me. My only concern was that I got copies of the shots that were taken and after that I lost touch with many of the photographers. Having gotten a better appreciation of what photographers do I keep much better track of this stuff now, but there's still these old pictures that I like but can't give credit for.

If anybody is wondering the first image was taken in New York when I performed in a competition show called The Ultimate Drag Off. I performed there twice, I never won but I always had fun. The other was one of my first shoots in Boston, taken in the apartment I was living in at the time. It's funny because that sword rack is completely full now. There's also the deluxe rat cage on the ground where Nicodemus and Mrs. Robinson were living (not sure if they'd had the babies yet at that point.) Brings back memories. Anyways I think I'll leave it at that and wish you all a great week.

How'd a Girl Like You End Up in a Job Like This?

2010-08-16T08:05:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me after my last (slightly ranty) post that not all of the readers of this blog might be familiar with my experiences as a performer and why I got into burlesque over more traditional drag shows. So I think this is as good a time as any to get into a little bit of background to give some context to what I do and why I do it (at least as far as performing goes, I may tackle the bigger "why do you dress as a woman at all?" question at a later date.)

Photo by Banafsheh Ehtemam

Without getting into an overly detailed history of how I ended up on stage in a dress in the first place, I started performing in drag shows when I was living in Boston. I actually had a rather easy time getting on stage because I happened to be working (in drag) at a gay bar called Machine that had a weekly drag night. I had an easy way into doing shows and the performers I met at the bar got me into Boston's only drag bar, Jacques Caberet. I did several very fun shows there but it wasn't long before Laura and I moved to New York City, which turned out to be a whole different beast.

Once in NYC I realized how easy I had it in Boston because I got to know people at the bar and that functioned as my foot getting in the door as far as performing went. In New York I didn't know anybody and I had switched from late night bar work to full time day job. The thing about New York is nobody really cares what you've done anywhere else, they only care if you've made it in NYC yet. And until you do "make it" getting any kind of venue to perform is quite a tricky proposition. That is unless you know somebody who'll vouche for you, and I didn't know any one. I got a few sporatic gigs such as the "Ultimate Drag Off" competition and a little modeling but these were very few and far between. Drag performance seemed doomed to slowly slip away from me in the big city.

Photo by Efrain Gonzalez

Then a revelation. I had a friend that I knew through MySpace who was graduating from a burlesque workshop, and the graduation was getting to perform on stage. To show support I went to my first ever burlesque show. Now aside from the teacher of the workshop (Dottie Lux) all the performers were amatures, and of varying levels of skill and talent. However what I saw there was eye opening. In that one night I realized that the type of performance that I did was much closer to burlesque than traditional drag. Most drag queens do one of two things: they either stand and lip sync in over the top hair and make-up and glamorous dresses (just not my thing,) or they are amazing dancers who happen to be men dressed as women (I dance alright but I'm not in this league.) What I did right from the start was try to tell stories with the pieces that I would do, which (along with a certain amount of clothing removal) is what is at the very heart of burlesque performance.

After seeing those amatures I started looking into burlesque shows and immediately found burlesque to be far more accessible and welcoming to newcomers than drag. In the drag world you need a connection, a friend or a drag mother who will get you in with the people who will book you for performances. That just isn't the case with burlesque. As unusual as I was (to date I've met some transgendered burlesque performers but not another drag burlesque performer) I was welcomed with open arms and open minds. The beauty of burlesque is that it really will take any and all comers, as long as they have an idea and the guts to get on the stage and show a little skin. Drag queens feel like they're always competing with each other, whereas I've always gotten more of a family vibe from fellow burlesque performers. There is a certain amount of backstage politics as with any performance art but they are nowhere near as cut throat as I've seen in other art forms. That is something I cherrish deeply.

Photo by Millie Acosta

And there you have it. That's I refined my particular approach to performance at burlesque shows and to burlesque audience. By the time I moved out of New York I hadn't done an actual traditional drag show in years and had been performing exclusively at burlesque shows or LBGT themed events. Thus I'm a drag queen with barely anything in my repertoire that is what most people think of when they imagine a drag queen. And I love it that way. I'd rather be unique and confuse people than fade into a sea of other people doing the same thing. But what continues to amaze me is how few people are confused and instead get what I'm doing. That is something I would not have expected but I'm grateful for it every day.

The Trailer for "Burlesque" Has Hit... and I Might Puke

2010-08-12T04:44:00.000-07:00

Burlesque as a performance art is extremely close to my heart. Deep down I identify more as a burlesque performer than I do as a drag performer. Most shows that I performed at in New York were burlesque shows. Most of the people I felt I became friends with backstage were burlesque performers. When I was producing and hosting "Drags and Dolls" it was half drag and half burlesque. I adore the art form, both as a performer and an audience member. To say that I'm revolted by the trailer for the movie Burlesque, which is being released this November, is frankly an understatement. I want to shove a sequined pasty so far down the throat of whoever approved this that their crap is sparkly for a month.

Photo by K. Walter

For those of you who don't wish to be subjected to actually watching this trailer it breaks down like this. Christina Aguilera is the bright eyed girl just off the bus in LA. She starts working as a waitress at what Hollywood imagines as a burlesque club. She sees the girls on stage and wants to be like them. Club owner Cher reluctantly gives her a chance. Christina freezes on stage and when they're about to pull her off she starts singing and then a world opens up for her. So your basic generic small town girl goes big story (ala Coyote Ugly.) You know now that I look at that description on paper it doesn't seem that bad (not great but not bad) so maybe you should actually see this trailer to get a better sense of what pissed me off about it.

First problem: all the burlesque girls are skinny as hell. One of the true beauties of burlesque is that it truly is a "takes all kinds" art form. Many of my own favorite performers (The World Famous *BOB*, Jezebel Express, Agent N and JZ Bitch of HyperGender Burlesque, and Dottie Lux amongst others) are not as skinny as these girls and some would even be considered fat by Hollywood standards. But they are all brilliant performers. That's not to say there aren't some great thin burlesque performers as well but my point is that being skinny is not a requirement. In fact with so much emphasis being on hips, breasts and curves being too thin can really be a detriment. But not in Hollywood's version of burlesque.

Photo by Gothic Goddess Media

Second problem: PG-13 rating. I'm very sorry but while burlesque isn't usually X-rated it is most assuredly not PG-13. True that there is rarely full blown nudity in a burlesque act (most clubs won't allow it) a good act can still be extremely naughty in the story it tells. That's right, burlesque is about telling a story. It's not about stripping. Yes getting naked is always going to be a part of the story that the performer is telling but the stripping is not the point in and of itself. The removal of clothes it the vehicle for the character or story the performer is telling. That's what distinguishes burlesque dancers from strippers. Strippers take off clothes for money. Burlesque performers tell stories by removing their clothes, and are very lucky if they get to do it for money. Like most artists burlesque performers are generally not well paid and very few are able to make their living from this art. It's something that is done out of love, not to cash in. If a performer is paid at all it's unlikely that they'll actually turn much profit once you factor in what they spent on make-up, pasties and outfits.

Then there's the singing. Singing? Really? While there are some burlesque performers out there who can carry a tune this is not a vocal art form. I really feel like the problem is that this movie is built around burlesque as presented by the Pussycat Dolls. While the Dolls might have had their roots in burlesque it's at best a general flavor of what they do, not a representation of the art (for the record I'm not a fan but that's because I just think their music sucks.) Maybe my problem is that my experience with burlesque is on the East coast in New York City. Maybe burlesque in LA really is all skinny dancers prancing around in corsets. If that's true though I'll pass and stick to the NYC version I know and love.

Photo by Melina Malice

To be completely fair I'll admit that I'm judging this based only on a trailer, and they can be misleading. This movie could potentially be better than it looks based off what I saw. However I can't believe for a moment that my big issues (skinny performers, PG-13, singing) aren't still going to be there. In any case if I ever hear anything good about it maybe I'll rent it. When it hit theaters though I think I'll head down to New York and watch a real burlesque show as my own private form of protest.

Enjoying the Country

2010-08-08T15:40:00.001-07:00

Sometimes the best way to appreciate where you're living is to have somebody visit who lives somewhere totally different. This weekend my best friend (and A-list photographer) Syd London came up to visit my wife and I for a three day weekend from New York City. Her total awe of the environment in which we were living made it me just appreciate being here all the more. And she pointed out things that I didn't even think of. She kept commenting on how big the sky is. In New York the sky is something glimpsed in narrow patches between buildings. Here it stretches on endlessly. The thing she was most excited about? Cows. Seeing and taking pictures of cows (because even on vacation you can't seperate a photographer from her camera.) How awesome is that.

Photo by Laura

It was a pretty laid back weekend really, which is what we all wanted. We took Syd to Burlington and of course made sure the got to see the scenery on the way there and back. Overall though it was just a chance to spend time with a good friend that we left behind when we moved. Laura and I don't play host all that often but it's something I'd love to do more with our friends from out of town.

Photo by Laura

Syd and I did do a little mini-photoshoot (I say mini but she took over 500 pictures.) I'm very excited about it and to be honest for me to mention it here is a bit of a tease. I won't have copies of the pictures for quite a while as Syd has a full plate of work waiting for her back in NYC and I would never expect her to put paying jobs on hold to edit our just for fun shoot. But I'll be sure to let everybody know when the pictures are ready and direct you to where they can be seen and fawned over.

Photo by Laura

Also there's something I had forgotten to mention in my Pride post. Coming back from performing at VT pride I was still all done up, the only thing I took off was my corset. Other than that I was still in complete drag. It was just easier to get changed at home then in the backstage tent. Well when I walked through the door my mother was fixing her dinner. Now my mother has never seen me in drag before. She's fully aware of this side of my life, she knows I perform and that I model. However she had never seen it, either in person or in photographs. So there I was, coming through the door in a mini-skirt, tank top, fishnet stockings, long brunette hair, full make-up and knee-high platform boots. The first words out of her mouth when she saw this was "You're really tall." I don't think I could have asked for a better reaction.

Settling on a Label

2010-08-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

I hate labels... I really do. They box you in and try to define you within a narrow field. And of course anybody who is born male but dresses as a female is bombarded with a slew of labels: crossdresser, transvestite, transgendered, androgynous, drag queen, weirdo, etc. And those are just to cover the dressing issue, when it comes to sexual preference there's a whole new list: gay, straight, bisexual, trans-lesbian, sex fiend, and so on. So many tiny little subdivisions so as to assign me a bar code and file me away on a shelf. As much as they agrivate me I have to admit that there are times a label would help, it certainly saves having to give a full personal history everytime somebody asks a question about me. So what do I indentify as since I don't really properly fit into any of the categories as I understand them? Well I've finally found the answer: queer.

Photo by Laura

Of course to many out there "queer" just means gay, but I want to take back the traditional meaning. Odd, different, just ever so slightly off from the norm. The notion of this label and embracing it's real meaning was introduced to myself and my wife (yes I'm married to a woman, see what I mean about not fitting most labels?) by a friend of ours in New York. She had said just off-handedly that the two of us are "the quintessential queer couple." This really clicked because we both certainly are different yet we don't fit comfortably in the usual gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans categories. We're just a little different, both individually and as a couple. And that's ok. Hell it's better than ok, it's great.

Photo by K. Walter

I've never encountered another person quite like myself (or like my wife) and that's really the way I like it. We're a queer couple and have no shame in it. If you're going to label me at all (aside from "drag burlesque goddess" of course) then I'd prefer "queer." Nothing else feels quite as right.

Pride, Lesbians and Corsets

2010-07-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

Just because I moved up to remote corner of Vermont does not mean that I won't find a stage and get my ass up on it! Thank goodness for Pride! They let me do a pair of numbers for the festival yesterday. How did that happen? Well it's kind of surprising how far "I used to perform in New York" gets you once you're out of the city. So yeah... I basically wrote some of the folks who run the thing and said "Hey I'm local now, anything I can do for your Pride?" Having been in the big scary city gives you some hefty clout and I'm damn well going to use it! I'm certainly not above taking advantage of whatever breaks I can get.

Photo by Laura

I did two numbers, one brand new and one tried and true. First I did a brand spanking new number to the classic Aretha Franklin tune "You Make Me Feel (Like a Natural Woman.)" I got an amazing response to that number, and so many compliments. I finished up with Pink's "So What," which I've done a few times and have a ton of fun doing. I didn't get any video of the first number but I uploaded a full video of "So What" for those who care to see right here.

I known for a while but it really reaffirmed for me at this particular pride festival: lesbians LOVE me. Gay men like me well enough, though I suspect I'm not quite draggy enough for most of their tastes (i.e. over the top hair/makeup/gowns/glitter/etc.) But lesbians really dig what I do. I honestly am not entirely sure why, but I kind of love it. There were so many lesbians of all ages (though especially the younger ones) who made an effort to come up and say they liked my act. There were actually two really young girls (looked to me to be around 16 or 17) who found me backstage between numbers and asked if they could hug me. It was one of the most adorable things I'd ever seen and was probably the highlight for the day for me.

Photo by Laura

There was one sour note... I had it undeniably confirmed that I'm getting out of shape. I had to have Laura loosen my corset because it wasn't fitting anymore. I think I'd kind of known I was a little out of shape but was brushing it off... that kind of quantified it. I'm not letting myself get bummed out over it. It just means I need to start working out somewhat. Thinking of lugging the stationary bicycle out of the basement... we'll see if that actually happens or not.

Finding the Time

2010-07-19T04:50:00.000-07:00

I think the hardest thing I've had to adjust to since moving up to Vermont is that for the first time since I've come out with my dressing I have to make time for it. When I first started in Boston I was working at a bar and on the nights of the drag show I would work in drag (that was how I started going out regularly and started to refine my look.) Once I moved to New York I put more of an emphasis on performing and after an initial dry spell I was usually performing at least once every few weeks. Performing is wonderful in and of itself but it also satisfied my need to get all dolled up and look fabulous. As a result I rarely got dressed up if I wasn't going out to perform or model.

Photo by Laura

However up here it's a different story. The opportunities to perform are going to be few and far between (will finally have my first show since moving at VT Pride this Saturday.) As a result it's become important that I make the time to feel pretty, otherwise it just won't happen. How often I'll feel the need is hard to say but I was lucky enough to get all gorgeous (in new clothes no less) and Laura snapped a few pictures. It's a bit of an odd thing because I haven't had to go out of my way to find a reason to dress since college.

Photo by Laura

That said there are some things that are nice about not having as many excuses to get dressed up. It makes the times that I do it feel a little less of a chore. On occassions in New York when I would have a few shows in the same week I would honestly get burned out. The make-up, the hair, the clothes, the heels... it's all rather exhausting. So in some ways it's nice to have it be an option rather than an obligation. That's not to say I wouldn't kill for a chance to hit a stage on a regular basis, because I would!

Photo by Laura

Why Am I Here?

2010-07-03T20:03:00.000-07:00

I suck at blogging. Seriously I've tried it three times in the past and all are now defunct. I can't even really use twitter properly. The reason for this is clear and there's two reasons for it. First I lead a fairly uneventful life, events of note tend to be few and far between and frankly I rather like it that way. Secondly I'm not so high on myself that I believe that my idle thoughts are worth sharing. So there you have, don't have much to talk about in terms of events and I prefer to keep my mundane thoughts in my head (or between myself and my wife.) So why the heck am I doing another blog? For the worst reason of all: because it's there.

I created an account on here so that I could comment on a few blogs that I followed and have an image and user name get attached to those comments. Of course that means that I had all the means of doing my own blog just sitting here going to waste. So here we are. This was going to be a statement of purpose post but honestly there isn't really a good purpose for this thing to even exist. I have no idea what I will write here and how often I'll feel compelled to write it. In my head it was going to be about the trials and tribulations of a big city drag queen being transplanted to the countryside... but I doubt I'll ever be that consistant about it.

All the same I think I've decided on my biggest enemy (next to love handles) that's now emerged thanks to country living: the farmer's tan. Just in case anybody doesn't know it's when your arms get tan from the bicep down but your upper arm and torso stay pale. It's the tan you get from being outside in a t-shirt too much, I now have it from working in the garden (stupid f*%#ing weeds.) I'll be doing my first performance since leaving New York later this month at VT Pride and the last thing I need is a farmer's tan.

How to get rid of it is a bit of a quandry. The obvious solution is nude (or near nude but that's not as much fun) tanning but there's two problems there. I refuse to get into a tanning bed, they just freak the hell out of me. Anything that gives me a tan and isn't the sun is wrong. So that leaves the real thing and while I now do have a yard and a lawn it's not private and there's no fence up to shield the eyes of the neighbors. I may have to get really sneaky about it and lay in the sun as on the floor as it comes through the windows... which of course means I'll have to keep moving. Regardless it's no doubt going to be a big pain in my ghost white ass.

I think I'll end on that thought for the time being. Just to add a little flair to this thing I'll finish off with a picture where I frankly look DAMN fine.

Photo by Sasha Renee